Theory is just theory.

Theories are nice in theory.  Reality is I cannot practice all the theories I hear.  There is something in us as humans that distinguishes us from animals. Maybe we should not be at ease like Sa'adi said when our own kind is in misery.  But then, is there an end to human kind's miseries? From hunger in Africa, wars and killings, diseases that kill, tsunamis, to financial and emotional failures, there is so much pain and hardship going on in the world.  Can we protect ourselves by rationalizing and accepting indifference? 

The battle within me continues.  I know I feel better when I do not try to protect myself by staying away.   I have also learned there is a limit to my ability to help others without jeopardizing my own health and well-being.  I have to find a balance.  I have to define some borders and boundaries; Just like my supervisor was advising regarding my professional job and duties.  I have to think about how far I can go to help someone out, no matter how close they are to me.  What is my limit?  Where is my boundary?

Problems

He talked and talked, and I listened.  The only acceptable response to him is validating that he is right; Supporting that he should keep going and do all the destructive things he has been doing.  I cannot do that.  When offering alternative points of view or suggestions, he gets offended: offering suggestions when I did not ask for your opinion is offensive.  Offering different point of views and slightest signs of disagreement makes him explode with frustration.  So, I silently listened; Wait it out for him to finish.  Maybe he feels relieved.  Maybe he gets tired of listening to himself saying the same old things over and over.   At least it was peaceful.  I just listened.

Then after some time, he realized I have been a good listener.  He wanted to act caring:  what problems do you have in your life? I went silent again, thinking.  Honestly, I like my life.  I like to be able to do what I do every day peacefully.  I enjoy my cup of tea in the morning, driving to work, working, my friends and relationship.  I like all the simple ordinary things in my life.  He asked again: you have no problems?  I thought of a future goal that I have not achieved yet.  I still do not have X, I said.  We talked a little about what having X meant and he offered some of his thoughts, some of which were insulting me, but I yet listened.

Later after he left, I thought to myself, why did not I tell him you are my biggest, maybe the only, problem in life?  You cause me so much pain and stress.  You are it.  Part of it was probably me not wanting to hurt him more, my tendency to please.  Then, I realized, by saying that to him, I would have been taking ownership of his problems.  My subconscious did not want to acknowledge and approve him as my problem.  Yes, an adult, who is thirteen years older than me, is not my problem nor my responsibility.  I should remind myself more of that, and not feel guilty for not making him and his problems, mine.  I have to work hard on keeping it that way: not making him my problem.

Evaluations and Reflections

I had a meeting with my supervisor for my performance review.  It was the fist time I was doing such a review with my new supervisor and in my new role as a project manager.  So, I was not sure of his style and assessment. I also was not sure how well I am doing in this new role.  I submitted my input in the same old format and template I used to in previous years to my old supervisor.  I had listed accomplishments; Tangible things I had achieved. I was surprised that my supervisor had noted and was expecting to see other comments: how I had to negotiate with several people to come to an agreement; How they were some discrepancies in some reports and I was interested, passionate, and persistent enough to get to the bottom of it and learn the cause of those discrepancies.  How I handled the difficult Program Manager at Headquarters.  All things I had considered as means of achieving a final goal, were considered achievements themselves by my supervisor.  It made sense. I was no longer an engineer developing code and tangible milestones, rather enabling others to do so.  Overcoming obstacles and making impacts was my job and I was getting recognized for it.

My supervisor suggested I may want to consider taking some systems engineering training. He mentioned down the road that may become the next career growth opportunity and wondered how I felt about it.  The look on my face did not seem enthusiastic about becoming a systems engineer.  Yet, I was so happy to have a boss who cares about my growth and future.  I was happier than before for having made this recent career move.  My pervious boss not only did not care about my future career goals, he hardly knew what I was working on.  While we were on the subject of training, I asked his idea about leadership classes.  I guess I personally am more interested in having and practicing leadership qualities.  He said you have natural leadership tendencies, and thought I may benefit more from systems engineering.  It was good to hear from my new boss in my new role that I am doing okay in leadership and am a natural, what I often feared to be the most challenging part of this job. I am glad he identified a weaker skill set in me that was not obvious to myself.  Paying more attention to systems engineering principles will make me a better project manager and I have to act on his constructive feedback.

Then, he warned me to watch for how much work I take on.  That the program manager is difficult to work with.  He said "you have a tendency to please", no kidding I thought.  At some point you have to define a clear boundary around your system and refuse to take on more responsibilities, he said.
My boss warning me not to do too much work?  I can handle that!

I am so grateful to have such a wise and caring supervisor!

Dream Jobs

We may often hear friends and relatives talking about their dream lifestyles and jobs.  In this high tech, fast paced society, many crave for peace and tranquility in remote and less crowded areas.  I have heard friends yearning to have a bed and breakfast, a small restaurant or cafe on a major interstate or intercity highway, and the most popular of all to the point of it becoming a joke among Iranians, to have a kabobi place of our own.  But how many are really serious about their dreams and really want those images become reality?  Today, I saw an update from an old classmate of mine in graduate school on linkedin that shocked me, inspired me, dropped my jaw in awe and respect for her, and at the same time saddened me!  I have mixed feelings about this:

A PhD in Computer Science has left computer industry to own her own farm in Michigan!  She says in her profile after years of being in the computer industry, I have chosen a lifestyle that is more connected to nature, is organic and sustainable, an alpaca farm!  What she did does take a lot of courage: going from the comfort zone of a desk job to dealing with and relying on mother nature for a living.  Her animal herd count is 7.  She has an online store of handmade products for sale.  I am happy she made her dream reality. I am sad for the academic and technical world to lose a PhD in her field!  What percentage of people in the world get the opportunity to receive all the trainings and education she did?  Who will help train the next generation of scientists and engineers if PhDs persue careers such as running a farm, a restaurant, or becoming a homemaker as another friend of mine with a PhD in computer science called it after she got married!  I am sure their education helps them in different aspects of their lives, but is not their choices a huge loss for the scientific community?

I too have some dreams of my own.  I hope I have the courage to pursue them.  Sadly, it may be very hard for me to take that risk, though for a good reason: I like my job.  My dream independent work, if becoming reality, will be very rewarding and yet very time consuming and exhausting.  My dream does not involve nature or food industry.  It involves human beings! And that makes it most complicated.

سهراب سپهرى

امروز آخر هفته بعد از عيد شكرگزارى در آمريكا است.  از آنجايى كه خيلى ديدارها در اين عيد كه پنجشنبه بود، تازه شد، شنبه نسبتا آرام و ساكتى دارم.  بعد از مدت ها رفتم سراغ كتابخانه ام تا از اين آرامش براى مطالعه استفاده كنم.  نگاهى به كتابهاى شعرم انداختم و فكر كردم بد نيست كمى شعر بخوانم، كه چشمم به هشت كتاب سهراب سپهرى افتاد.   ناگهان متوجه شدم، يا يادم افتاد، كه من ديشب خواب اين صحنه از كتابخانه ام را ديده بودم. من ديشب در حقيقت خواب سهراب سپهرى را ديده بودم كه در خانه من مهمان بود.  و من به او كتابخانه ام را نشان داده بودم و به او گفتم، ببين، كتابت اينجاست! همين يك صحنه را فقط يادم هست.  خيلى به نظرم خواب عجيبى است كه كسى را كه هرگز ملاقات نكرده ام ديدم و با او صحبت كردم.  شايد از ديشب در خواب در فكر بودم كه امروز بايد شعر بخوانم!

الكى

نامجو يك آهنگى داره به نام الكى، راجع به كارها و حرف ها و هدف هاى الكى آدم ها به طور كل، و يا شايد ايرانيان به طور خاص.

 يك مورد كه بايد به اين ليست اضافه كرد التيماتم ها و يا بلف هاى الكى، و يا يك دستى زدن هايى است كه آدمها اميد واهى دارند كه الكى بگيره و فكر نميكنند كه اگر نگرفت، الكى خودشون زندگى خودشون رو به هم ميزنند وقتى كه واقعا قصد نداشتند پاش بايستند.

يكى مشكل داره تو زندگيش، به جاى اينكه بگه مشكلش چيه، يا چيكار ميتونه بكنه اون را حل كنه، يا چه كار انتظار داره طرف  مقابل انجام بده، كه اين مشكل حل بشه، هى الكى ميگه من طلاق ميخواهم.  بعد كه حكم طلاق رو ميگيره،  دمار از روزگار طرف در مياره.  بماند كه اگر بچه هايى هم در كار باشند سر ترفند ها و تهديد هاى الكى والدينشون زندگى شون عوض ميشه.

كسى هنوز صلاحيت يا سابقه كافى در كارش نداره، به رييسش التيماتم ميده كه اگر به من فلان امتياز يا ترفيع را ندهيد، در اين كار نميمانم. كارفرما هم به دلايلى از اين كار صرف نظر ميكند، و فرد به خاطر حرف خودش مجبور ميشه كارش رو ول كنه، بدون داشتن جايگذين بهترى يا حتى برابرى و چه بسا ماهها طول بكشه تا كار جديدى  پيدا كنه، در صورتى كه از همون چند ماه ميتوانست براى پيشرفت و رشد در كارش استفاده كنه.

دو نفر با هم هستند، همه اهميت و معناى رابطه شون در اين  ارزيابى ميشه كه ازدواج ميكنند يا نه.  بعد براى اينكه كمكشون كنند به اين هدف برسند، آدمها نصايح الكى ميكنند:  تهديدش كن بگو اگر ازدواج نكنى، ميرم با يكى ديگه يا برو با يكى ديگه، حسودى ميكنه.  يكى نيست بگه اگر كسى بخواهد برود با كس ديگرى مگر كسى جلوش رو گرفته؟ يا مرض داره در رابطه بمونه اگر ميخواهد با كس ديگرى باشد؟ يا اگر كسى، كسى رو دوست داره، آيا ميخواهد آزارش بده و ناراحتش كنه،  اونم از قصد و با برنامه ريزى؟ خوب هر وقت خواست ميره و به قبل و بعد ازدواج هم ربطى ندارد.  بعد كافيه عشقشون از روى انسانيت و عشق بگه اگر اين رو ميخواهى، من نميخواهم مانع  رسيدن به اهداف زندگيت بشم.   بعد طرف هم توى رودربايستى يا لجبازى حرف الكى خودش گير ميكنه، رابطه اش رو به هم ميزنه و ميره پى زندگيش  وقتى واقعا چنين قصدى نداشته.

بعد معلوم نيست دوست داشتن و وجود يك نفر انقدر الكيه؟ بود و نبود اون نفر در زندگى شما هيچ ارزشى نداره؟

يا ارزش وجود خودتون انقدر كم و الكيه كه به زور و كلك بخواهيد كسى را وادار به بودن با شما كنيد؟

از حرف هاى الكى ديگه اينه كه يكى هزار و يك مشكل با خودش داره، به جاى اينكه فشار روش بذارن روى خودش كار كنه، كمك و درمان حرفه اى بگيره، ميگن كاش زن بگيره  يا شوهر كنه حالش خوب شه.  انگار آدمها قرص و دارو هستند.  اون خانوم  يا آقاى مجهول انسان نيست؟ 

چقدر حرف الكى آخه؟  ماشالا همه هم تحصيلكرده و خواهان حقوق مساوى هستند، اون هم الكى.

Make sure your kids know

To all parents out there:

Please please do not lose a chance to express your love and care to your kids. Hug them, kiss them, hold them tight, tell them you love them.  If you get upset and tired and say something less than kind, apologize to them.  Ask for their forgiveness.  Make sure they know they are loved, valued, respected, and that no one can treat them without respect.  This good you do them today, saves them and you a lot of headaches in future.  They won't seek approvals from strangers. They won't feel not worthy of love and attention. They won't beg for love. They won't stay in unhealthy relationships. They will stand up for themselves.  They will be confident.  They will respect others' right and choices to live a happy and healthy life.  They won't doubt themselves and their inner voice.  Please please love your kids, be kind to them, love them and kiss them.  A world will be saved if every child is not only loved, but feels loved, just as they are.

Empathy vs Accountability

I am struggling with concepts of empathy and accountability.  Please bare with me as I explain my dilemma, and then help me with any suggestions or thoughts you may have.

As humans, at the very least, we cannot neglect pain of others.  We cannot be comfortable and at ease, when our own is in trouble.  The closer the connection and kinship of the person in trouble, the greater is our pain.  Sa'adi, the Persian poet, said nicely that one is not worthy of the 'human' title, if one does not empathize with other human beings.  It seems like, scientifically he has a point and most of us have mirror neurons: being able to place ourselves in someone else's shoes and feel their emotions to some extent.

Then, there is the concept of accountability: one is responsible for their own actions and its results. There are things we cannot control, like hurricanes, earthquake, or natural disasters in general, not considering the recent scientific claims that humans contribute to global climate change.  Or, we cannot control the type of family, country, or conditions we were born into.  Our thoughts, our words, our actions, we have a much better chance of controlling.

Then, imagine this scenario: a person is walking or running fast.  You know there is a big hole, or cliff, straight ahead.  You warn him/her: slow down, stop, change direction, you may fall into a big hole, or jump off the cliff, watch out!  Then s/he does not acknowledge or thank you for the heads up, or even take you seriously.  Even worse, gets offended. S/he says: you think I am blind?  I would not see in front of me? or am I stupid? Choosing my path unwisely, or without knowledge and research?  You tell them you did not mean to offend them, that you were just concerned and felt it was your duty to warn them and let them know.  They say, if I need advice or your opinion, I will ask for it.  Otherwise, it is rude to offer it.  You apologize and move on.  A while passes.  The person continues their path.  They do jump off the cliff, or fall into that deep hole, and who do they call first to rescue them?  You.  You empathize.  Help them out, stay with them while they are hurt, trying to put back their broken pieces together.  You can never tell them I told you so, because it is insensitive.  You can only hope they learn a lesson, that they may act and choose wiselier in future, or at least pause to hear you out. Unfortunately, they soon forget the pain and harm they caused themselves.  They repeat the same old cycle.  They ignore your warnings again.  They always expect you to be there and rescue them.  In fact, they call you selfish and self-centered if over time they feel the distance, lack of unconditional help and support. And you wonder, what are limits and boundaries of empathizing and holding people accountable?  Who is to hold anyone accountable anyways?  Is it your place or job?  If not, are you always to empathize, help, rescue, and pay for others' mistakes?  Is there a limit and condition on empathy?

Zero Attention Span

I email summary of an analysis to a program manager and include the details in a spreadsheet that is attached to my email.  I mention in the email: please see the attachment for breakdowns of the results and analysis.

I receive a response: please prepare a spreadsheet with breakdowns, a sample is attached.

I respond: such a spreadsheet was attached to my previous email, did you see it?

She responds: if you could breakdown each component there it would be great (she is implying I did see and opened it, but it does not have the details I am looking for).

I reattach the same spreadsheet in my next email: please see the attachments.  I have all sub components included and I name such subcomponents.  Please let me know what I am missing. (meaning, while my persistence made you open the attachment, you yet did not read the content).

Silence.  An apology would have been nice!  Or even better, a few moments to pause, to read the message in its entirety, acknowledge the work that is done and received, try to understand it, question parts that are not understood, before hitting response and attacking the person for not doing their job.

As much as I try to send short emails on each topic to the point, still my message is not communicated to the other side.  It is sent but not really received.  We are turning into a generation with zero attention span.

Full Stop

You are working on deadlines, making plans and budgets line up and work.  Emails and phone calls are going back and forth on the goal.  You receive a call from the guy you are working with closely.  You think it is another round of information seeking, negotiating, or some other usual business.  Then he says:  J passed away last night!  Life stops. Life demands you to slow down, no to stop, and to think.  Deadlines have no importance nor meaning anymore.

زمين خوردن

پسر با پدر در خيابان راه ميرفتند.  آن طرف خيابان دو كودك، كه خواهر و برادر بودند، راه ميرفتند.  آن پسر ميخورد زمين و گريه ميكند.  خواهرش او را بلند ميكند و دلدارى ميدهد.  پسر نظاره گر به پدرش ميگويد: كاش من هم يك خواهر داشتم كه وقتى زمين ميخوردم بلندم ميكرد.

سالها بعد پدر اين را به دخترش ميگويد كه اين برادرت چقدرتو را ميخواسته و سفارش داده. 

در بزرگسالى خواهر كوچكتر از برادر بزرگتر و انتخاب هايش كه منجر به شكستهاى پياپى ميشود، عصبانى ميشود.  فكر ميكند بالاخره با سرش به سنگ خوردن بايد يك چيزى يك بار ياد بگيرد.  مادرش ميگويد، وقتى كسى افتاده بايد دستش را گرفت تا دوباره بتواند روى پايش بايستد.  خواهر كوچكتر ميفهمد كه برادرش زمين خورده و كار او بلند كردنش هست. خواهر كوچكتر چه ميدانست چه بدجور برادر بزرگش در زندگى زمين ميخورد.  حداقل برادر در بچگى خوب عاقل بوده..

-----

I wrote this story, and the process of writing made the same ancient dilemma and battle of cultures and world views within me more clear.  Why did not the parents tell the boy that you have all the love you need without a sister?  That you can rise and stand up on your own feet when faced with hardships if you equip yourself with life skills.  Why parents and later himself did not build the necessary self-confidence.  Why is not the sister told and reminded that while you can help others when asked, if you wish, you are not responsible for other people's choices and life.  That you are responsible only for your actions, choices, and life.  Why?

Numbers do not lie,

...humans do!

It amazes me.  So often all it takes for people to believe a sentence and statement one makes, is to just plot a graph, put some captions around it, and claim a conclusion.  Many people immediately like or accept that statement as a fact, even when the plot has no captions for the horizontal and vertical axises, even when they do not know what the data points they are looking at are.

A few may ask questions about the data, its meaning, and source and some be satisfied with the results, but yet only a few go far enough without giving up to reveal the flaws or even just to understand them.

It saddens me that sometimes scientists choose to look at the data the way it helps them make their case.

For example, I saw a support letter a scientist wrote in support of some summer educational program, which is good to support do not get me wrong.  She said, last year we had X number of positions in  field Y which were not filled, and it clearly shows a shortage of students in  field Y.  She fails to see that a few of those X number of positions had more than X number of applicants in field Y.  That those applicants could easily be pointed to those positions that were not filled.  That this fact does not signal a shortage necessarily, rather those other positions being offered late after all summer students had planned their summer elsewhere, that maybe those positioned were not advertised well, maybe Human Resources did not act on them in a timely manner and a million other things.

سرگرمى

بعد از مدتها، يك فيلم معمولى و نسبتا خوب ايرانى ديدم.  نه فيلمى كه بهترين و بزرگترين جايزه ها رو برده، نه خيلى عميق و فلسفى بود، و مهمتر  اينكه بى سر و ته نبود و بيننده را وادار به قضاوت و پيش بينى آخر فيلم نميكرد.  چقدر از اين روند رايج شده كه آخر فيلم كارگردان نميگه چى شد بدم مياد.  بيشتر از اينكه بيننده را به فكر وا بداره، به نظرم ضعف و ترس فيلمساز از مورد قضاوت قرار گرفتن يا نا راحت كردن بيننده رو ميرسونه. به هر حال، فيلم رو دوست داشتم چون معمولى بود و واقعى، و مهمتر از همه سرگرم كننده.  خيلى وقتها در سينماى ايران، بر عكس سينماى هاليوودى، كاربرد فيلم به عنوان يك وسيله تفريحى و سرگرم كننده فراموش ميشه و فقط روى بعد هنرى اش تاكيد ميشه، بماند كه اين فيلم شادى هم نبود و به نكات خوبى اشاره ميكرد.

اسم فيلم، "باغ فردوس، ساعت پنج بعد از ظهر" بود.  شايد از فيلم به خاطر درك حرص خوردن ها و عصبانى شدن هاى دختر، و شايد از نصايح و راه كار هاى روانشناس فيلم و نقش رضا كيانى خوشم اومد.  از ديدن آزيتا حاجيان بعد از سالها و اينكه هنوز همون طور زيباست خوش حال شدم.  انگار زمان ثابت مانده بود و من هنوز ايران بودم و در خانه خودمان اين فيلم را ميديدم، و شايد همه اين عوامل دست در دست هم داده بود، نميدانم. هر چه بود، زمان آرامش بخشى بود.  فقط اگر اين چاشنى عشق و عاشقى رو كارگردان اضافه نميكرد، اگر نشون ميداد كه دوستى خالص و پاك هم ميشه بين زن و مردى در ايران شكل بگيره و تداوم پيدا كنه، خيلى بهتر ميشد.  اما خوب لابد اون وقت ميشد از اون فيلم هاى بى سر و ته كه من دوست ندارم.  چه كار بايد بكنند اين كارگردان هاى بيچاره؟

Changes

During the past 6 months, I must have used my office phone more than I did during its previous 11.5 years.
I now feel drained and stressed because of all the interactions I have to lead and drive forward not because of my research and development, and results I may or may not get.
I used to satisfy my social interaction needs outside work with friends and family, now I need peace and quiet to recharge.
I now understand my quiet friends more ;)

دفتر خاطرات

:كلاس سوم دبستان كه بودم، اين دفتر هاى خاطرات مد شده بود

اون وقت ها، به خصوص بين بچه ها، تا يه چيزى مد ميشد، ديگه بايد بلافاصله ميداشتيش  (نميدونم اين اصلا فعل درستى هست يانه!؟).  به هر حال، يه هو مي ديدى همه مدرسه در عرض دو روز پر ميشد از يه نوع مداد، خودكار، خط كش، دفتر، يا كيف و كفشى كه مد شده بود.  اينترنت و شبكه هاى اجتماعى هم كه نبود،  معلوم نيست چه طور اين اتفاق ميفتاد؟  واى، ما از نسلى هستيم كه به بچه هامون ميتونيم بگيم ما زمان قبل از اينترنت رو ديديم، ميتونى تصور كنى اون موقع چطورى بود؟

  خلاصه اين دفتر ها مد شده بود و بچه ها مى آوردند مدرسه و ما براى هم يادگارى مينوشتيم.  اما من از اين دفتر ها نداشتم و از فوايد بچه آخر بودن اين است كه هر چيزى را كه ميخواهى اوتوماتيك وار نميگيرى و هى بايد بخواهى و ياد آورى كنى و اين مهارت بى عار خواستن و ياد آورى كردن در زندگى حرفه اى آينده شما بسيار مثمر ثمر واقع ميشود و به شما ميگويند:

Go getter, persistent, she gets the job done!

بماند كه يه موقع هايى هم روى اعصاب بسيارى ميرود.

بگذريم. ما خواسته خود را به طور واضح و شفاف ابلاغ كرديم و باباى من براى تولدم اين هديه را برايم گرفت.  همين كه عكسش اين بالا بود.

اما با وجود ذوق و شوق من براى داشتن ايم دفتر، نوشته درون صفحه اول اين دفتر، از طرف پدرم، با ارزشمند ترين هديه شد.  پدرم داستانى را از مكالمه و پرسش و پاسخ دو نفر نوشته بود.  نميدانم اين داستان را از خودش گفته بود، يا اين داستان از كس ديگرى است.  گويا يكى از دو نفر، فرد بسيار دانا، محترم، و خوبى بوده و مورد محبت و ستايش همه قرار ميگرفته.  ديگرى از او ميپرسد:  تو خدايى؟ ميگويد نه، تو فرشته اى؟ ميگويد، نه.  تو فلانى،... و او هى ميگويد نه، و در آخر فرد گيج ميپرسد پس تو كه هستى؟  ميگويد من بيدارم.  بعد بابام نوشت  بود، كه بعضى آدم ها در دوران نوجوانى و جوانى بيدار ميشوند و برخى در سنين بالاتر مثل 50 سالگى كه خيلى دير است و بعضى ها هم هيچوقت ومن را نصيحت كرده بود كه سعى كنم هميشه بيدار باشم.

من با وجود دسترسى داشتن به چنين پند بزرگى، دير معناى آن را فهميدم و دير از خواب بيدار شدم، فكر كنم در 26-27 سالگى چيزى در ذهنم جرقه زد، و انگار كسى با ريختن آب سردى روى من، من را از خواب سنگينى بيدار كرد.  البته  برخى وقايع زندگى، در به زنگ در آوردن ساعت شماطه دار زندگى ام و بيداريم بى تاثير نبودند.  كمى دير بود، اما خوشحالم كه بلآخره بيدار شدم. دنيا و زندگى را با چشم هاى باز و شاداب ترى ميبينم.  اين بهترين پند عمرم بود كه از 9 سالگى آن را داشته ام، و فقط هم يك بار گرفتمش و ديگر هم پدرم آن را تكرار نكرد.  كسان ديگرى هم به انواع مختلف اين حرف را زده اند :

از خواب گران، خواب گران، خواب گران خيز.

به خود آ!

The Art of Teaching

I have been really blessed to have had great professors during my undergraduate and graduate level course work, as well as patient and knowledgeable mentors who are scientists and engineers at my work.  Those who really care about education for its own sake, and the quality of work they are associated with, as well as the ethics and manner in which they conduct their business.   I realize this more and more through my limited interactions with younger generation of faculty, which I am afraid to say saddens and often disappoints me.

I have interacted with young faculty who view publication's worth as a line that gets added to their CVs or online bibliographies regardless of its content and correctness of claims they make there.  I have come across those who are hesitant to use already prepared high quality educational material in classes they already are supposed to teach anyways unless they get funding for it.  I have seen faculty submitting identical papers simultaneously to two or more venues, putting my name and submitting papers without my knowledge of the existence of the paper, let alone approving its content.
Overall, I see young faculty viewing themselves as business (wo)men, with educating students being the last thing on their minds. 

When I think about it, most faculty I admire and respect a lot belong to a generation of Americans who were born in mid 1950s.  There must have been something special about their generation.  Something that I do not think will be repeated.  Something that they will take a way with themselves.  I mourn the loss of such greatness already.

Sad Ironies

I am learning Turkish these days.  The process rekindles the sweet memories and excitements I used to experience as a kid and later teenager, when I used to learn English as a second language.  I still feel the same joy of opening doors to a new world through learning a language.  I also realize how much slower my brain seems to be processing and remembering newly learned grammar rules and vocabularies.  It is called aging I guess.  It is nice to discover so many common words and cultural similarities in Turkish, Persian, and Arabic.  It seems like as long as you know one of these languages, you can pick up the vocabulary of another one, fairly well.  Naturally, I look for such commonalities, and how one word changes as it travels from one language to another.  These days, every time I find the relationship between a Turkish word and a Farsi word, I become happy for having been able to solve a puzzle.  It must be the analyst in me, liking to break down the words into pieces (and Turkish is the perfect language for doing so, since phrases and sentences can be made by adding suffixes and prefixes to a word).

But for once, I was sad to find such a relationship.  Well, not really the relationship between words this time, rather learning a Turkish word that is used as a name in Tehran.  Maybe somethings are better left unlearned.  I learned that "ev" means home in Turkish, and "evin" means house.  How has the sweetest of words and places become a prison in Iran, the forced house of many?!

Innovation

A cool idea comes to my mind. I start brainstorming, writing notes, adding more thoughts, scenarios, cases. It looks like I have something going, I tell to myself. I feel the adrenalin rush. What if it turns to something big, what if it changes one city, one country, then the world. What if, ...? Then, you think of the logistics. How would I make it happen? Who would I bring on as team members? Should I quite my job? Where would I get funding from? I am convinced it is something worth pursuing. Then, I check the internet. I search for similar ideas and technologies. Someone else is on it already. Not too long ago, a company launched just a year ago. Someone is few steps ahead of you. It does not matter you thought you were a genius and came up with the idea all on your own, without cheating. It does not matter, it is being done. For those few minutes when you were feeling creative and innovative, that excitement, that adrenaline rush, that was enjoyable. It makes you want to experience it again. Maybe once for real, without it fading away. Are there any cool ideas left that someone has not explored yet and matches my passions too? I wonder. There is no other way around, other than to keep looking, and thinking. It is hard to be innovative in this day and age, I think.

What to do?

Did I get into the wrong field for me? While I have learned about many scientific and engineering areas through computation, and while I have been enjoying all those learning experiences, I have so many other passions and interests I like to pursue outside work that I do not have enough time for. From writing essays and stories, to introducing some changes in society and even laws! What shall one do in so little time?

Scope

It is amazing to me how sometimes the concept of scope is misunderstood or not even considered by some people.  Do you expect an astronomy journal to publish articles in medicine?  Or a math journal to publish short stories?  Usually not.  How would you judge and trust the scientific claims made in a fashion magazine?

While we may grasp the concept of the scope in above examples easily, when it comes to news organization and public media, expectations seem to change drastically.  For example, some accuse  Voice of America for not being the voice of the people of other countries outside the U.S such as Iran, Egypt, Turkey, etc.  Well, of course it is not and nor should it be in my opinion.  They can report the events and news as they happen, and how U.S. government responds to it, but that is about it.  Similarly, a local newspaper for Los Angeles has different content and objectives from a local newspaper in Baltimore or Tokyo.  In fact, if one government's media talk about goals and points of views of people in other countries, one should question their authority and judgement in doing so, in my opinion.  One can only expect truthfulness and validity of the claims and news being broadcast and hold media accountable and demand evidence for what they deliver within their scope of work, not for what they are not supposed to deliver nor for what they did not deliver.

I have seen the same thing happen on personal Blogs and Facebook pages.  Some think to show your cool factor and open-mindedness you should accept and keep all posts and comments made by others on your personal page.  Well, it is my "personal" page not a board for others to spread their ideas, especially if I do not like to promote those ideas.  My personal page is out of scope for reflecting many topics of interest to others!  I find it acceptable to delete automatic ads that are posted as comments to my blog posts as well as out of scope comments, equally the same.

I have just been needing to throw it out there once and for all.

Happy Monday!

I just love what I do, where I work, and the people I work with.  Even with all the annoying rules and bureaucracy, I still find reasons to carry on every day.  For that I am grateful, every morning, even Monday mornings.

Cappuccinos

I miss these tasty Italian cappuccinos, that were strong enough to energize you, but not so strong to keep you up at night or upset your stomach like the American ones do to me. The ones that are not too big, nor too small, and are presented nicely to you like a piece of art, and yet they are cheaper than what their poor quality counter-parts are sold here in the U.S.

Small World

I spent three nights in a Villa in Tuscany for my cousin's wedding. She, a Persiam from a Muslim family, married a Jew from a Germam family. They met and live in England. The groom and bride sat in front of Persian, Muslim, and Jewish traditional wedding elements. Their marriage was officiated by a female rabi, breaking her own religion's law of only males being able to hold this position, and a female relative who read Persian poetry and led the Islamic and Persiam wedding exchange of wows and promises. Guests were from Iran, Germany, Italy, England, Australia, France, Finland, Switzerland, Japan, and the United States. Among them were two gay couples, enjoying the celebrations and reunion openly. The world was so small,so beautiful, and so perfect with green scenery, delicious meals, dances, and laughters. Everyone was happy. The End.

Decisions!

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing."

--Theodore Roosevelt

In today's leadership seminar, the instructor used this quote to make her point.  As I listened, my mind drifted away to so many years of my life witnessing adults and even society's decision-makers not making any decisions, doing  nothing, at many moments of decision.  I wonder how so many things, my life, my family members' and others' lives, would have been different had more adults practiced making decisions, good or bad, during my childhood.

برخورد با زندگى

هنوز يك ماه از حادثه ماراتن بوستون نگذشته بود، كه قربانيان اين واقعه را در برنامه هاى مختلف تلوزيونى نشان ميدادند و از وضعيت سلامتيشون گزارش ميدادند.  اينكه هر روز فيزيو تراپى ميكنند، و وقتى از بانى اين حادثه از آنها ميپرسيدند، ميگفتند، ما به او فكر نميكنيم. تمام فكر و ذكر و تلاشمان اين هست كه بهبود پيدا كنيم، بتونيم با پاى مصنوعى راه بريم، و به روال زندگيمون برگرديم.  در يك برنامه تلوزيونى ديگر كه مسابقه رقص هست، چند هفته پيش گفتند كه با يكى از قربانيان واقعه بوستون كه عاشق رقص بوده كار ميكنند تا در يكى از برنامه هاى آتى آنها شركت كند.  امروز يكى ديگر از قربانيان كه هر دو پاش رو از دست داده،  توپ آغاز يك مسابقه بيسبال را از روى صندلى چرخدار انداخته بود.  در فيلمى كه از او ديدم لبخند بر روى لبانش بود! واقعا از بودن در استاديوم و زنده بودن شاد بود.

اين روحيه قوى و تفاوت بين آدمها از كجا مياد؟  حدس ميزنم از حمايت اطرافيان و جامعه از اين قربانيان.  چطور ميشه كه بعضى آدمها به خاطر حرفى كه كسى 10، 20، يا 30 سال پيش زده از او نميگذرند و  به روال زندگى بر نميگردند؟  فكر ميكنم اين تفاوت ها فراتر از تفاوت هاى فردى باشه.  واقعا فكر نميكنم كسى در ايران 1-2 ماه بعد از از دست دادن  آعضاى بدنش بتونه لبخند بزنه، اميد به زندگى و بهتر شدن داشته باشه، حداقلش تا سالها، و به حق، افسرده خواهد بود.  شايد هم آن واقع بينانه تر باشه و اينجا زيادى هميشه ميخواهند زندگى رو رنگارنگ و زيبا و تخيلى ترسيم كنند و روى تلخى ها و درد ها و زشتى ها رو زود ميپوشونند و ظاهر سازى ميكنند.  شايد ما در ايران با درد و غم ميونمون بهتره و راحت تر ميپذيريمش؟  نميدونم كدوم درسته و كدوم غلط، اما فكر كنم هر دو طرف ماجرا افراط و تفريطى داره.

Project Management

Being a project manager is really being a good listener and mediator.  More accurately, it feels like baby sitting a bunch of loud and hyper kids.  Making sure feelings and egos are not hurt, no one picks a fight, and everyone feels appreciated and encouraged to play nice.  Everyone knows they have a safe shoulder to cry on, share their fears and problems without worrying it can be used against them later on!

As I immerse into this new role of mine, I realize how much more important it is to have females in such roles, especially in male dominant fields.  Projects need managers who do not see communication as a burden or pressure but as a necessity and a tool, someone who is good at feeling and recognizing tensions, future issues, and problems before they are communicated and before they come to the surface.  Someone whose ego does not stand on the way of achieving goals.

My Sanctuary

Unfinished businesses and trails of thoughts are carried with me every night as I leave my small office.  Worries of the next day, weeks, months' milestones, deadlines, and meetings are with me.  I wake up, have breakfast, and drive just to get to where things happen, to make them happen, with some sense of urgency, day after day.  Then, when I open the office door, just as I sit behind my desk, an amazing sense of peace and quiet conquers me.  It has not got old and does not fail. It is as if by just being here, my own little corner, everything is going to be just fine.  The fact that I made it here one more day calls for celebration.  The quiet early hour in the morning, no officemates, no meetings, no family, no events, only me, my thoughts, my plans, my brain.  I rule my universe in that early hour of the day.  I am in my sanctuary. I am home.

فال سال نو

از اين بهتر نميشد!  عيد همگى مبارك.

-----------

معاشران گره از زلف یار باز کنید

شبی خوش است، بدین قصه‌اش دراز کنید

حضور خلوت انس است و دوستان جمعند

و ان یکاد بخوانید و در فراز کنید

رباب و چنگ به بانگ بلند می‌گویند

 که گوش هوش به پیغام اهل راز کنید

به جان دوست، که غم پرده بر شما ندرد

گر اعتماد بر الطاف کارساز کنید

میان عاشق و معشوق فرق بسیار است

چو یار ناز نماید، شما نیاز کنید

نخست موعظه پیر صحبت این حرف است

که از مصاحب ناجنس احتراز کنید

هر آن کسی که در این حلقه نیست زنده به عشق

بر او نمرده به فِتوای من نماز کنید

وگر طلب کند انعامی از شما حافظ

حوالتش به لب یار دلنواز کنید

Remember

It turned out, there was a seed, beneath the bitter cold snow,
After lonely nights,
After a long journey,
As the theory went.
And,
It did become a rose,
Just when it heard,
Spring whisper,
Just when it felt,
Sun's love.
Just remember.*

* referring to the lyrics of the Rose.

Control free

It is amazing how theory and practice are different.  I think I live, act, and think independently, or like to do so, with regard to my life.  However, I have caught myself red-handed several times when something someone said or did affected me, my thoughts, or behavior, and thus in a way controlled me.  There are so many things, subtle and obvious, that controls our choices.  The struggle to be free of those external influences, being focused on our inner goals and dreams, is a constant struggle.  It is not that easy.  At least, I do not find it so.

Nobody knows ...

The truth is we all seek answers from each other.  As if the key to our life and happiness depends on another.  The truth is, we ourselves, do not know how we will feel about someone or something year(s) from now, and yet we expect others to know and have the answers.  All we know is how we feel now and what we want now; Let that guide us to what will be later, not what we think should be the case later, or others think should be the case for us later.  Let's enjoy floating in the ocean of life, the journey of being one with the ocean, and if it led us to safe shores, let's enjoy that and be grateful for it too.

What would be the word for it?

I am watching the evening news.  There are two stories broadcast within less than 15 minutes of each other:

1. An 87 year old woman in an assisted living housing is out of breath.  A nurse at that facility calls 911.  911 operator sends help but tells the nurse she needs to perform CPR right away.  The nurse refuses because it is against their policy.  The operator asks if there is anyone else there who is willing to help and perform CPR? They do not need to know how to do it, I can instruct them, she says.  The nurse, who is professionally trained to do CPR, says no,  not at this time.  The lady is dead by the time 911 dispatcher arrives. She died with a nurse next to her who refused to perform CPR.  As if this was not enough, the old lady's daughter, ironically a registered nurse also, does not mind the treatment her mother received!
   http://wtvr.com/2013/03/03/nurse-refuses-to-give-cpr/
   
2. Sacramento firefighters pulled two lifeless dogs from a burnt house.  They performed CPR on dogs and they came back to life!
   http://sacramento.cbslocal.com/2013/03/01/sacramento-firefighters-resuscitate-2-dogs-rescued-from-burning-home/

"I believe I can fly!"

There is nothing more joyful than flying freely, reaching the heights,  and feeling the enthusiasm.  The worst thing to me would not be not being able to fly because of an illness, misfortune, accident, or bad luck.  The worse thing would be that someone, something, some rule, put a ceiling above your head, or a cage around you, blocking you ascent!   That something or someone or roadblock, kills the spirit, the enthusiasm, the joy of the journey.  That ceiling, that limitation, that captivity, that cannot be acceptable.   Tell me I have no wings, tell me I am not physically capable, tell me you may starve on the way and may not make it, but do not tell me we cannot allow it.  Sooner or later, I won't have to ask for your permission.

Happy Valentine's Day!

To all my dear friends and readers here, I wish you a happy Valentine's day, filled with health, joy, love, and happiness.  Love is not limited to being loved by one person, or loving someone.  It is much broader than that.  It is a sense of being connected with self and universe, and being at peace with it.  It includes love of life, love of self to always do what is best for our souls, to have self respect and confidence, loving and respecting others, and more importantly allowing ourselves to be loved, letting others we love and care about in our worlds, breaking tall firm walls around us one brick at a time by acts of kindness, exchanges of happy moments, as well as walking through pain together.


Happy Valentine's Day!

Walk the walk

People complain about how lonely they are, how depressed they are, Yet they do not have, or rather they do not make, time to meet old and new friends, travel, or socialize. In fact, they cannot even bare the idea of giving up any of their alone time. People complain about other people, Yet they cannot live without them. Let's face it, We are all happy with things as they are, Or else we would change them. Would not we? Why pretend? Why hide behind excuses? If you like pretending, Be my guest. I do not like playing this game.

Happy 2013!

Happy New Year!  I hope you have all had a good start of the year thus far and in 2013 you be happy, healthy, and getting closer and closer to your personal and professional goals.

While during the last quarter of 2012 I had a slow, a little sad looking, professional life for a couple of months, 2013 could not have started better.  One of my projects had finished in October and I could not get funds for it to sustain it.  There were other things I could do, but they were not like doing what I loved and wanted to do.  There was a gap.  It made me think a lot about direction of my career, my research, my goals.  This gap made me do interviews for new positions in my own organization for the first time after over 11 years!  I knew in my bones, the time for me to lead and manage had come;  The detail oriented focused me, was not happy anymore behind a console coding, writing, debugging, implementing other people's goals and dreams.  I had a thirst for larger impact, bigger roles, for growth, for having others implement my vision and goals and me helping larger programs that I admire achieve theirs.  It is time for me to put all my bossy, controlling, detail oriented, organizational desires into a job where such skills are not only appreciated but required: project/program management!

The gap in my funding, made me think of new possibilities and opportunities that previously I was too busy even considering.  In the past, if such gaps and needs occurred I would just accept or select the most appealing available opportunity that my supervisors or collaborators had to offer.  This time, I applied for technical management positions that I thought would be a good growth opportunity for me. I wrote my own research proposal.  More importantly, I said "No" to my colleagues' research opportunities to make room for achieving my own goals, even if that meant dealing with uncertainty and not looking good for 1-2 months.  The year starts with me being selected for a technical managment position full time and having a research proposal awarded that I will just have to supervise because I do not have the time to work on it myself.  However, I am happy for having this grant because it keeps me connected with research and technical world, and it even gives me more opportunities to practice my leadership and management skills on something I am passionate about.

While I am excited about these opportunities and challenges, I also have concerns.  What if team members do not accept my lead? What if the team does not deliver on time and on budget?  What if I fail?

2013 is the year I try to motivate, lead, manage and achieve results.  Let's see how that turns out.  I am excited!