My own family

My life changed drastically during the past two years, not just by losing family members, but by happy occasions of gaining new ones too. I became a wife; I became a mother; I yet again became an aunt. So many beautiful things happened and sadly life got in the way of truly celebrating these life changing events.  I am glad I finally found my partner and finally my dream of becoming a mother became true. I am blessed. Every morning my son gives me the most beautiful smiles. He reminds me it is a new day and anything is possible. After a day's work, his smile is all we need to take away our tiredness and give us energy to carry on. Thank you universe for lining up all the stars and giving us our healthy small family. Thank you my family for all I have learned from you. Love and motherhood is the most amazing life experience of all; The one that makes you feel truly vulnerable and strong at the same time. May we be able to protect and grow this angel that is trusted with us.

Let this blog reflect all the joy I have experienced and lessons I have learned as  a result too! I have a lot to catch up with.

Theory is just theory.

Theories are nice in theory.  Reality is I cannot practice all the theories I hear.  There is something in us as humans that distinguishes us from animals. Maybe we should not be at ease like Sa'adi said when our own kind is in misery.  But then, is there an end to human kind's miseries? From hunger in Africa, wars and killings, diseases that kill, tsunamis, to financial and emotional failures, there is so much pain and hardship going on in the world.  Can we protect ourselves by rationalizing and accepting indifference? 

The battle within me continues.  I know I feel better when I do not try to protect myself by staying away.   I have also learned there is a limit to my ability to help others without jeopardizing my own health and well-being.  I have to find a balance.  I have to define some borders and boundaries; Just like my supervisor was advising regarding my professional job and duties.  I have to think about how far I can go to help someone out, no matter how close they are to me.  What is my limit?  Where is my boundary?

Problems

He talked and talked, and I listened.  The only acceptable response to him is validating that he is right; Supporting that he should keep going and do all the destructive things he has been doing.  I cannot do that.  When offering alternative points of view or suggestions, he gets offended: offering suggestions when I did not ask for your opinion is offensive.  Offering different point of views and slightest signs of disagreement makes him explode with frustration.  So, I silently listened; Wait it out for him to finish.  Maybe he feels relieved.  Maybe he gets tired of listening to himself saying the same old things over and over.   At least it was peaceful.  I just listened.

Then after some time, he realized I have been a good listener.  He wanted to act caring:  what problems do you have in your life? I went silent again, thinking.  Honestly, I like my life.  I like to be able to do what I do every day peacefully.  I enjoy my cup of tea in the morning, driving to work, working, my friends and relationship.  I like all the simple ordinary things in my life.  He asked again: you have no problems?  I thought of a future goal that I have not achieved yet.  I still do not have X, I said.  We talked a little about what having X meant and he offered some of his thoughts, some of which were insulting me, but I yet listened.

Later after he left, I thought to myself, why did not I tell him you are my biggest, maybe the only, problem in life?  You cause me so much pain and stress.  You are it.  Part of it was probably me not wanting to hurt him more, my tendency to please.  Then, I realized, by saying that to him, I would have been taking ownership of his problems.  My subconscious did not want to acknowledge and approve him as my problem.  Yes, an adult, who is thirteen years older than me, is not my problem nor my responsibility.  I should remind myself more of that, and not feel guilty for not making him and his problems, mine.  I have to work hard on keeping it that way: not making him my problem.

Dream Jobs

We may often hear friends and relatives talking about their dream lifestyles and jobs.  In this high tech, fast paced society, many crave for peace and tranquility in remote and less crowded areas.  I have heard friends yearning to have a bed and breakfast, a small restaurant or cafe on a major interstate or intercity highway, and the most popular of all to the point of it becoming a joke among Iranians, to have a kabobi place of our own.  But how many are really serious about their dreams and really want those images become reality?  Today, I saw an update from an old classmate of mine in graduate school on linkedin that shocked me, inspired me, dropped my jaw in awe and respect for her, and at the same time saddened me!  I have mixed feelings about this:

A PhD in Computer Science has left computer industry to own her own farm in Michigan!  She says in her profile after years of being in the computer industry, I have chosen a lifestyle that is more connected to nature, is organic and sustainable, an alpaca farm!  What she did does take a lot of courage: going from the comfort zone of a desk job to dealing with and relying on mother nature for a living.  Her animal herd count is 7.  She has an online store of handmade products for sale.  I am happy she made her dream reality. I am sad for the academic and technical world to lose a PhD in her field!  What percentage of people in the world get the opportunity to receive all the trainings and education she did?  Who will help train the next generation of scientists and engineers if PhDs persue careers such as running a farm, a restaurant, or becoming a homemaker as another friend of mine with a PhD in computer science called it after she got married!  I am sure their education helps them in different aspects of their lives, but is not their choices a huge loss for the scientific community?

I too have some dreams of my own.  I hope I have the courage to pursue them.  Sadly, it may be very hard for me to take that risk, though for a good reason: I like my job.  My dream independent work, if becoming reality, will be very rewarding and yet very time consuming and exhausting.  My dream does not involve nature or food industry.  It involves human beings! And that makes it most complicated.

Empathy vs Accountability

I am struggling with concepts of empathy and accountability.  Please bare with me as I explain my dilemma, and then help me with any suggestions or thoughts you may have.

As humans, at the very least, we cannot neglect pain of others.  We cannot be comfortable and at ease, when our own is in trouble.  The closer the connection and kinship of the person in trouble, the greater is our pain.  Sa'adi, the Persian poet, said nicely that one is not worthy of the 'human' title, if one does not empathize with other human beings.  It seems like, scientifically he has a point and most of us have mirror neurons: being able to place ourselves in someone else's shoes and feel their emotions to some extent.

Then, there is the concept of accountability: one is responsible for their own actions and its results. There are things we cannot control, like hurricanes, earthquake, or natural disasters in general, not considering the recent scientific claims that humans contribute to global climate change.  Or, we cannot control the type of family, country, or conditions we were born into.  Our thoughts, our words, our actions, we have a much better chance of controlling.

Then, imagine this scenario: a person is walking or running fast.  You know there is a big hole, or cliff, straight ahead.  You warn him/her: slow down, stop, change direction, you may fall into a big hole, or jump off the cliff, watch out!  Then s/he does not acknowledge or thank you for the heads up, or even take you seriously.  Even worse, gets offended. S/he says: you think I am blind?  I would not see in front of me? or am I stupid? Choosing my path unwisely, or without knowledge and research?  You tell them you did not mean to offend them, that you were just concerned and felt it was your duty to warn them and let them know.  They say, if I need advice or your opinion, I will ask for it.  Otherwise, it is rude to offer it.  You apologize and move on.  A while passes.  The person continues their path.  They do jump off the cliff, or fall into that deep hole, and who do they call first to rescue them?  You.  You empathize.  Help them out, stay with them while they are hurt, trying to put back their broken pieces together.  You can never tell them I told you so, because it is insensitive.  You can only hope they learn a lesson, that they may act and choose wiselier in future, or at least pause to hear you out. Unfortunately, they soon forget the pain and harm they caused themselves.  They repeat the same old cycle.  They ignore your warnings again.  They always expect you to be there and rescue them.  In fact, they call you selfish and self-centered if over time they feel the distance, lack of unconditional help and support. And you wonder, what are limits and boundaries of empathizing and holding people accountable?  Who is to hold anyone accountable anyways?  Is it your place or job?  If not, are you always to empathize, help, rescue, and pay for others' mistakes?  Is there a limit and condition on empathy?

What to do?

Did I get into the wrong field for me? While I have learned about many scientific and engineering areas through computation, and while I have been enjoying all those learning experiences, I have so many other passions and interests I like to pursue outside work that I do not have enough time for. From writing essays and stories, to introducing some changes in society and even laws! What shall one do in so little time?

Happy Monday!

I just love what I do, where I work, and the people I work with.  Even with all the annoying rules and bureaucracy, I still find reasons to carry on every day.  For that I am grateful, every morning, even Monday mornings.

Control free

It is amazing how theory and practice are different.  I think I live, act, and think independently, or like to do so, with regard to my life.  However, I have caught myself red-handed several times when something someone said or did affected me, my thoughts, or behavior, and thus in a way controlled me.  There are so many things, subtle and obvious, that controls our choices.  The struggle to be free of those external influences, being focused on our inner goals and dreams, is a constant struggle.  It is not that easy.  At least, I do not find it so.

It is time!

I had lunch with dear Barb.  She wanted her summer student to meet me, learn about my career path, and my experiences at my Alma mater.  Barb was doing it all over again with the new girl in town :-) There she was, a tiny petite freshman girl in computer science and aerospace engineering, and Barb was telling her how I got all my degrees from her school.  I felt so old in front of her.  Also, I realized more than before how I did not have an adventurous career path until now that I was considering a couple of new opportunities.  The truth is I never got bored.  The projects and applications varied through out the years and I never stopped learning new things and growing within my position.  Barb reassured me the reason she has to change often is that she cannot "focus" on research and technical work the way I can; Otherwise, she would have loved to stay in one position.  Systems engineering matched her personality better.  Learning about all components and systems of a project and making sure they all work together well.

"Focus"!  Yeah, that is it!  There was a time I could focus.  Focus long and for many hours.  Code and solve problems tirelessly.  Now the right mood has to strike, and the right mood has to last long enough;  At least I still can focus at times;  I have a feeling these days are numbered.  I keep day dreaming, or just dreaming, dreaming big.  It is time for making big things happen and telling others how to make them happen.  I feel it is time for me to be a project manager, a leader, and not just a researcher and executor; Not because this is the time in my career I should do it, but because I feel it in my bones; I feel the energy and the need to do bigger things.  The time is right!