Friends

I think I have been depressed lately. For the first time, I think I really felt for people who had gone through this. I could see and feel how draining it can be. How hard it can get to do the most simple daily tasks. Me, who was full of life and passion, find it hard to put myself together and do my job. I find myself procrastinating.  It takes forever to finish a few charts.

 -"It is hard to focus and get things done these days", I told an old friend and colleague that I admire a lot.
 -"You will have better days gradually. It takes at least 6 months to a year to even get used to the idea of loss".
 I nodded.

 A couple of days ago, I found myself talking and laughing, surrounded by old and new friends in a short casual get-together. Maybe I can get back to my old self. That is what getting out of your routine, good friends and people do. They bring you out of your shell, remind yourself to you, bring you glimpses of hope. Maybe I will be all right again.

Dream Jobs

We may often hear friends and relatives talking about their dream lifestyles and jobs.  In this high tech, fast paced society, many crave for peace and tranquility in remote and less crowded areas.  I have heard friends yearning to have a bed and breakfast, a small restaurant or cafe on a major interstate or intercity highway, and the most popular of all to the point of it becoming a joke among Iranians, to have a kabobi place of our own.  But how many are really serious about their dreams and really want those images become reality?  Today, I saw an update from an old classmate of mine in graduate school on linkedin that shocked me, inspired me, dropped my jaw in awe and respect for her, and at the same time saddened me!  I have mixed feelings about this:

A PhD in Computer Science has left computer industry to own her own farm in Michigan!  She says in her profile after years of being in the computer industry, I have chosen a lifestyle that is more connected to nature, is organic and sustainable, an alpaca farm!  What she did does take a lot of courage: going from the comfort zone of a desk job to dealing with and relying on mother nature for a living.  Her animal herd count is 7.  She has an online store of handmade products for sale.  I am happy she made her dream reality. I am sad for the academic and technical world to lose a PhD in her field!  What percentage of people in the world get the opportunity to receive all the trainings and education she did?  Who will help train the next generation of scientists and engineers if PhDs persue careers such as running a farm, a restaurant, or becoming a homemaker as another friend of mine with a PhD in computer science called it after she got married!  I am sure their education helps them in different aspects of their lives, but is not their choices a huge loss for the scientific community?

I too have some dreams of my own.  I hope I have the courage to pursue them.  Sadly, it may be very hard for me to take that risk, though for a good reason: I like my job.  My dream independent work, if becoming reality, will be very rewarding and yet very time consuming and exhausting.  My dream does not involve nature or food industry.  It involves human beings! And that makes it most complicated.

Zero Attention Span

I email summary of an analysis to a program manager and include the details in a spreadsheet that is attached to my email.  I mention in the email: please see the attachment for breakdowns of the results and analysis.

I receive a response: please prepare a spreadsheet with breakdowns, a sample is attached.

I respond: such a spreadsheet was attached to my previous email, did you see it?

She responds: if you could breakdown each component there it would be great (she is implying I did see and opened it, but it does not have the details I am looking for).

I reattach the same spreadsheet in my next email: please see the attachments.  I have all sub components included and I name such subcomponents.  Please let me know what I am missing. (meaning, while my persistence made you open the attachment, you yet did not read the content).

Silence.  An apology would have been nice!  Or even better, a few moments to pause, to read the message in its entirety, acknowledge the work that is done and received, try to understand it, question parts that are not understood, before hitting response and attacking the person for not doing their job.

As much as I try to send short emails on each topic to the point, still my message is not communicated to the other side.  It is sent but not really received.  We are turning into a generation with zero attention span.

Full Stop

You are working on deadlines, making plans and budgets line up and work.  Emails and phone calls are going back and forth on the goal.  You receive a call from the guy you are working with closely.  You think it is another round of information seeking, negotiating, or some other usual business.  Then he says:  J passed away last night!  Life stops. Life demands you to slow down, no to stop, and to think.  Deadlines have no importance nor meaning anymore.

دفتر خاطرات

:كلاس سوم دبستان كه بودم، اين دفتر هاى خاطرات مد شده بود

اون وقت ها، به خصوص بين بچه ها، تا يه چيزى مد ميشد، ديگه بايد بلافاصله ميداشتيش  (نميدونم اين اصلا فعل درستى هست يانه!؟).  به هر حال، يه هو مي ديدى همه مدرسه در عرض دو روز پر ميشد از يه نوع مداد، خودكار، خط كش، دفتر، يا كيف و كفشى كه مد شده بود.  اينترنت و شبكه هاى اجتماعى هم كه نبود،  معلوم نيست چه طور اين اتفاق ميفتاد؟  واى، ما از نسلى هستيم كه به بچه هامون ميتونيم بگيم ما زمان قبل از اينترنت رو ديديم، ميتونى تصور كنى اون موقع چطورى بود؟

  خلاصه اين دفتر ها مد شده بود و بچه ها مى آوردند مدرسه و ما براى هم يادگارى مينوشتيم.  اما من از اين دفتر ها نداشتم و از فوايد بچه آخر بودن اين است كه هر چيزى را كه ميخواهى اوتوماتيك وار نميگيرى و هى بايد بخواهى و ياد آورى كنى و اين مهارت بى عار خواستن و ياد آورى كردن در زندگى حرفه اى آينده شما بسيار مثمر ثمر واقع ميشود و به شما ميگويند:

Go getter, persistent, she gets the job done!

بماند كه يه موقع هايى هم روى اعصاب بسيارى ميرود.

بگذريم. ما خواسته خود را به طور واضح و شفاف ابلاغ كرديم و باباى من براى تولدم اين هديه را برايم گرفت.  همين كه عكسش اين بالا بود.

اما با وجود ذوق و شوق من براى داشتن ايم دفتر، نوشته درون صفحه اول اين دفتر، از طرف پدرم، با ارزشمند ترين هديه شد.  پدرم داستانى را از مكالمه و پرسش و پاسخ دو نفر نوشته بود.  نميدانم اين داستان را از خودش گفته بود، يا اين داستان از كس ديگرى است.  گويا يكى از دو نفر، فرد بسيار دانا، محترم، و خوبى بوده و مورد محبت و ستايش همه قرار ميگرفته.  ديگرى از او ميپرسد:  تو خدايى؟ ميگويد نه، تو فرشته اى؟ ميگويد، نه.  تو فلانى،... و او هى ميگويد نه، و در آخر فرد گيج ميپرسد پس تو كه هستى؟  ميگويد من بيدارم.  بعد بابام نوشت  بود، كه بعضى آدم ها در دوران نوجوانى و جوانى بيدار ميشوند و برخى در سنين بالاتر مثل 50 سالگى كه خيلى دير است و بعضى ها هم هيچوقت ومن را نصيحت كرده بود كه سعى كنم هميشه بيدار باشم.

من با وجود دسترسى داشتن به چنين پند بزرگى، دير معناى آن را فهميدم و دير از خواب بيدار شدم، فكر كنم در 26-27 سالگى چيزى در ذهنم جرقه زد، و انگار كسى با ريختن آب سردى روى من، من را از خواب سنگينى بيدار كرد.  البته  برخى وقايع زندگى، در به زنگ در آوردن ساعت شماطه دار زندگى ام و بيداريم بى تاثير نبودند.  كمى دير بود، اما خوشحالم كه بلآخره بيدار شدم. دنيا و زندگى را با چشم هاى باز و شاداب ترى ميبينم.  اين بهترين پند عمرم بود كه از 9 سالگى آن را داشته ام، و فقط هم يك بار گرفتمش و ديگر هم پدرم آن را تكرار نكرد.  كسان ديگرى هم به انواع مختلف اين حرف را زده اند :

از خواب گران، خواب گران، خواب گران خيز.

به خود آ!

The Art of Teaching

I have been really blessed to have had great professors during my undergraduate and graduate level course work, as well as patient and knowledgeable mentors who are scientists and engineers at my work.  Those who really care about education for its own sake, and the quality of work they are associated with, as well as the ethics and manner in which they conduct their business.   I realize this more and more through my limited interactions with younger generation of faculty, which I am afraid to say saddens and often disappoints me.

I have interacted with young faculty who view publication's worth as a line that gets added to their CVs or online bibliographies regardless of its content and correctness of claims they make there.  I have come across those who are hesitant to use already prepared high quality educational material in classes they already are supposed to teach anyways unless they get funding for it.  I have seen faculty submitting identical papers simultaneously to two or more venues, putting my name and submitting papers without my knowledge of the existence of the paper, let alone approving its content.
Overall, I see young faculty viewing themselves as business (wo)men, with educating students being the last thing on their minds. 

When I think about it, most faculty I admire and respect a lot belong to a generation of Americans who were born in mid 1950s.  There must have been something special about their generation.  Something that I do not think will be repeated.  Something that they will take a way with themselves.  I mourn the loss of such greatness already.

Cappuccinos

I miss these tasty Italian cappuccinos, that were strong enough to energize you, but not so strong to keep you up at night or upset your stomach like the American ones do to me. The ones that are not too big, nor too small, and are presented nicely to you like a piece of art, and yet they are cheaper than what their poor quality counter-parts are sold here in the U.S.

Small World

I spent three nights in a Villa in Tuscany for my cousin's wedding. She, a Persiam from a Muslim family, married a Jew from a Germam family. They met and live in England. The groom and bride sat in front of Persian, Muslim, and Jewish traditional wedding elements. Their marriage was officiated by a female rabi, breaking her own religion's law of only males being able to hold this position, and a female relative who read Persian poetry and led the Islamic and Persiam wedding exchange of wows and promises. Guests were from Iran, Germany, Italy, England, Australia, France, Finland, Switzerland, Japan, and the United States. Among them were two gay couples, enjoying the celebrations and reunion openly. The world was so small,so beautiful, and so perfect with green scenery, delicious meals, dances, and laughters. Everyone was happy. The End.

My Sanctuary

Unfinished businesses and trails of thoughts are carried with me every night as I leave my small office.  Worries of the next day, weeks, months' milestones, deadlines, and meetings are with me.  I wake up, have breakfast, and drive just to get to where things happen, to make them happen, with some sense of urgency, day after day.  Then, when I open the office door, just as I sit behind my desk, an amazing sense of peace and quiet conquers me.  It has not got old and does not fail. It is as if by just being here, my own little corner, everything is going to be just fine.  The fact that I made it here one more day calls for celebration.  The quiet early hour in the morning, no officemates, no meetings, no family, no events, only me, my thoughts, my plans, my brain.  I rule my universe in that early hour of the day.  I am in my sanctuary. I am home.

Remember

It turned out, there was a seed, beneath the bitter cold snow,
After lonely nights,
After a long journey,
As the theory went.
And,
It did become a rose,
Just when it heard,
Spring whisper,
Just when it felt,
Sun's love.
Just remember.*

* referring to the lyrics of the Rose.

Historic Day! (For me ;-) )

Today was a memorable day. I presented to the big boss!  Well not the biggest boss who just got elected, but our center director ;-) and not because I was trying to get on his calendar, push an agenda, or get face time, but because he wanted to learn about a topic that I had recently presented somewhere else, the news of which had appeared in our directorate's newsletter.  He wanted to meet me and learn about my work and it made it all much sweeter and more surreal.  I was on trip a month ago when I received his request.  The day finally came.  The meeting went great, and he was very pleasant to talk to.  It gave me great hope and optimism to know we have such a bright, down-to-earth, great leader, with such a great appetite for learning and knowledge, with a great sense of wonder and curiosity,

As if that was not enough, later today I attended our annual technology office award ceremony, to receive a patent award with one of my project's team members.  And, these two events and projects were not related to each other at all! I presented to the center director on a different topic.

I have some renewed enthusiasm and energy to get things done tomorrow. Friday!  I am just glad I can do it in jeans and sneakers, because between you and me, I could not stand those high heels anymore, at the end of the day.

Something is missing!

My officemate, let's call her Kay, is a petite tiny young lady; Mother of two young sons.  She dresses up nicely every day.  She is good at her job and leads the software development efforts.  She goes to gym; She brings in her homemade healthy lunch, often including a nice looking big salad with nuts and fruits.  She picks up her kids from school, has activities and makes cup-cakes in the weekends.  She even throws baby showers or weddings or what not for her siblings and relatives.  She has it all, and does it all well: organized and disciplined.

She might also be a perfectionist.  Once she brought some of her delicious cup cakes to the office, nicely put in a box with great icing, better looking that those in pastry shops. She told me how she stayed up till 2-3 am just to get that recipe right!  I asked her if her kids liked cup-cake that much! To my surprise she replied: they do not even like sweets, I like cup-cakes! She was making it for herself and relatives and she could not tolerate the ones that would come out wrong; She got it right the third round!

Wednesday was my first day back at work after being away on travel for over a week.  She was looking focused and professional as always, looking at her code with a hot cup of tea in her hand, the usual way she does (Did I say how happy I am to finally have an officemate to share my passion for tea?)  We just exchanged our regular morning greetings; I gathered she must be busy and focused at her work and should not be distracted that she did not ask much about my trip.  We often are away from our offices in labs and for meetings anyways, so it is hard to notice when a person is gone.  I went about my day as usual.

Later in the day, my friend (call her Joy), who is our next-door neighbor asks me: "How is Kay doing?", "Fine", I responded suspiciously.  "You know, last week, when you were gone, there was an ambulance here to pick her up.  Your office door was closed, and I just heard them banging at the door yelling Security!  I wanted to ask her about it but I thought maybe she likes to keep it private, maybe you can ask her".  Really? I could not believe it.  She is so healthy, organized, she exercises and eats well.  More than that, "I know she is a very tough girl.  She would not complain or call ambulance just for caution" I told Joy and she agreed; Something must have gone wrong.  So, once Kay came back to the office, I asked her.

"How are you doing Kay? I heard from Joy there was an incident here last week while I was gone, are you okay?"  She then told me the story that she was having severe stomachache, non-stop, for so long that she was almost passing out.  She was telling her husband on the phone about it that she felt like she could not continue being awake longer.  She told him she was going to hang up the phone and call 911.  That is exactly what she did.  By the time the center's emergency unit arrived at our office, she was hyperventilating.  They took her to hospital, ran all kinds of tests: blood, CT scan, etc.  They failed to find anything!  It is good she did not have a tumor or some other serious illness but troubling for her not to know what caused the pain.  She said: "I have given birth twice without epidural, so I know pain and can tolerate pain.  It was worse than that! When you have contractions it comes and goes, this was constant non-stop pain".  They had kept her under watch for a whole day and then sent her home.  Her husband thinks it was stress, reminding her that your body is shutting down on you.  You need to take it easy.

I did not see her yesterday and today in the office.  Usually she emails me and her boss if she is working from home.  Usually if I do not see her I assume she is in the lab or another building for a meeting.  Now I am so scared; I emailed her to ask how she is, and no response.  I called her supervisor to see if she had heard anything from her: nothing! Worse: her supervisor had no idea about what happened last week! Security and center's health unit did not inform her supervisor.  It was all news to her.  If my next door neighbor had not seen it happening and had not told me, I would not know about it to worry about her and ask about her condition either!  When these things happen, I am deeply saddened.  We all come and go in masses to the same campus, same building, same floor, and we hardly notice each other; I told Joy how when such things happen, and how when Soheil passed away, the governing sense of normalcy and business-as-usual on his floor and in our building bothered me.  I told her how in our culture, it would be hard to miss such news.  Here: someone should tell you or forward you an email!  People's privacy is respected.  Maybe she does not like everyone to know  about her medical issues. To respect Soheil and his family they have to keep everything untouched!  But where is the line drawn between privacy and caring? Privacy and being human? Privacy and indifference?   Well, I know they are not indifferent; They do honor individuals, their rights, and their families' rights.  They do follow some rules and guidelines.  But something just does not feel quite right to me when these things happen here in the U.S. Something is missing.

I sure hope everything be okay with Kay, and she be sitting behind a console in a closed lab coding away ignoring her emails or driving to pick her kids up.  I am worried and could do nothing but typing this.

Good Morning!

I was getting my morning coffee and breakfast in Brooklyn, in preparation for my long day of two back to back lectures.  The lady behind the counter tells me "Jesus loves you!", after giving me a long deep look in the eye.  I say "thank you", and thought to myself "why would not he anyways?" ;-)
She was not satisfied: "Do you know who he is?"
I told her: "Yes".  (happy now?)
She seems a bit relieved, or maybe she finally gave up: "Good! Because many people do not.  Where are you from? Russia?"
"No, Iran!", I told her (now what?).
She still continues: "You look like Russians".*
I tell her "We are close" (so what?).
Not sure if she was trying to figure something out and solve a mystery or was just interested in talking to me.
I was there just to get my breakfast before preaching some math and science, without having to tell all my life story or religious beliefs.  Is that too much to ask?


* Later that day after my talks, I went to get a cup of tea before my train left.  The guy handed me a tea cup, and asked  "ruski?" with a smile.  I guess I was Russian on that day.

Friday night theories!

A stormy Friday night with tornado watches and a runny and congested nose due to I do not know allergy or cold, made me take it easy, become a couch potato, and watch a chick flick, and honestly, I realized how much I had missed it.  Anyways, the movie is the Holiday, and I just liked this conversation:

he: "So, he's a schmuck."
she: "As a matter of fact, he is... a huge schmuck. How did you know?"
 he: "He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend."
she: "You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for God's sake!"

So true! Only if all girls learned this sooner than later!  Or not!  Maybe behaving like the best friend is our natural evolutionary mechanism of not wanting to be the leading lady of a schmuck!!

Let's fight

When you prepare yourself for a big fight, you think you are all ready and pumped up, and then you just cannot pull it together because you both cannot stop laughing and you both do your best to pretend you are having a fight, you know you are stuck with each other.

Looking out there!

I did talk to a recruiter that had reached out to me today. Just to see what is out there in the world, how I compare against it, and if I could make a greater impact there. Just to go through the exercise (last time I had interviewed extensively was when I got my B.S. for God's sake! ). Just not to close the doors to potential growth opportunities before seeing what is behind them. Just to practice being open minded, curious, and also give a boost to my self-esteem and confidence. It feels good to be wanted, and you have the advantage of not having to be wanted! I was also wondering about their hiring process. Were they searching for a specific qualification, trying to fill a specific position, that made them think I am a good match for them? Turned out no. They look for strong intelligent (...whatever other good adjective you like to put here to boost your ego) candidates and then they try to match you with best positions they have available for you. Sounded good. So I delivered my wish list of what I thought would be good areas and positions for me. After all, I am happily living my life now! No? ;-)

He proudly announced that their organization is very different from ours: we do not have any structure! That is supposed to encourage the employees' creativity and innovation I guess. I kind of like organizations and structures though, while being trusted with some freedom. I also know how miserable I feel when around people with no structure, organization, discipline, and plan! I know that about myself. In writing this, I realize I can think of a role I can play that can match my personality and their company's philosophy at the same time (Yay...I am a genius!). He claimed their office in my area has technical positions of interest to me and he is going to have them provide me more information. Their website suggests otherwise! But hey, they probably know better. He also sent me a follow-up email: "Thank you for taking the time to speech to me"! Really? You have a misspelling in an email that you probably send several times everyday as a recruiter? I feel like I interviewed and graded him. Oh well,... Yes, I am an old fashioned structured formal bureaucrat and I like it! My organization is very different from yours! How about that!? :-) Still, let's hear it from their technical people!

Capitalism!

You know you live in a capitalist country when you receive a letter from a commercial company suggesting you buy frames and plaques to honor your patent award before you hear its news from the patent office or your employer! Or maybe you are just reminded what is meant by a bureaucratic government!

دوران جنگ

وقتى كه حتى كارتهاى عيد، موقع سال نو، باز ميشن و ترميم شده و چسب خورده ميرسن دست دوستان و خانواده ات توى كشورت، ميفهمى كه باز دوران جنگ است!

Perspective

I was having a nice dinner with a friend who was on travel in my area. We were almost finishing. Her phone rang. "yes dear,... having dinner with my friend, .. talk to you later", and she hung up a little upset! "He is checking on me!", she claims. "It is interesting", I say. If I were traveling and he did not call, I would complain "do not you wonder if I am dead or alive? If I arrived fine? Do not you think of me?".

Ok guys, you have my sympathies in this one. I guess there is no right or wrong behavior; It just depends on what is expected of you by your partner and if you meet those expectations or not!

p.s. This was just a simple observation and generalization. The context of the call, what is going on between the couple, and the information and feeling one receives matters too (among a zillion other things I guess). A kind caring call is easily distinguished from a controlling doubtful one by smart ears.

ACM

If ACM only means Association for Computing Machinery to you and you cannot think of a more important association or conference with such a name, you are wrong. To some people, computing ACM means nothing. People interested in other worlds, think of the ACM conference as one about the Asteroids, Comets, and Meteors!