Loss and Gain

Today I attended a workshop titled Navigating through Loss. It was about how people cope with loss, different emotions and behaviors one experiences due to loss, examples of what a loss can be, etc, definitions of bereavement, loss, grief, and mourning.  An interesting point that was mentioned there for me was that even happy life events, such as marriage, birth of a child, or their graduation can cause similar emotions and feelings because whenever there is a gain, something is lost.  That is so true, yet not acknowledged enough.  We lose our single independent life when we move in with a life partner and then we lose our partner to some extent when we have a child. Combine all these with some real life losses of other family members passing and you get a mess you do not know what/who to blame for! 

Check Boxes

I do not know if it is an American thing or a condition of modern age.  It seems like people are running around, following some pre-planned blue print, making sure they check some previously determined, often similar, items on their things to do before they die. Apart from the mandatory educational process that one has to go through to find or make their own place in the world, majority seem to be searching for their mates, some even aiming to find that person and settle down before a certain age, have their first child before a certain age, and then after the magically decided three years, have the second one. After having endured so many failed relationships and many many dates,  as soon as having their dream of a partner and a child, they look for opportunities to get rid of that child, or later even partner, any chance they get for minutes and hours or days here and there, as if s/he is a disease. In addition to necessary daycare or nanny arrangements to allow parents to work, they want sitters and grandparents, anything that would allow them to have a date night again.  It becomes unbelievable if a parent refuses a business trip to be with their baby, or refuses a late party for baby's sleep routine and comfort. It becomes hard to believe that a parent may actually enjoy the company of their baby more than the alternatives presented to them.  Friends and colleagues recommend getting a sitter to celebrate an occasion and night out, to get a break, not even occurring to them that mom and dad won't enjoy that celebration without their baby.  Along the way, most people buy a townhome and after a few years, a single home, and then once all the dust settles, all they want to do is to retire. Finally after 30-40 years of hard work, retirement comes along and they have to downsize the childless house they worked so hard to pay for and cannot maintain anymore and move to a condominium or retirement community, all that if they are lucky enough to still be together at that point. You wonder if they think about the meaning of all these boxes they check and whether they remember to smell the roses and enjoy everything along the way too.

Peace at last

Once upon a time I used to write here. I would reflect on any interesting, small or big event or problem, analyze it, or just record it for my memory. I used to find it therapeutic. After some point, the events and issues got so big, so overwhelming, so unbelievable to grasp and understand, that I gave up.  I guess Americans say that is when shit hits the fan.  Over the years I struggled trying to figure out how I could be of any help and support to my oldest brother. He always was struggling with one crisis or another, refusing to acknowledge and treat the root cause of all his sorrows. Situation went from bad to worse to worst, emotionally, financially, and finally physically beyond anything anyone could do. I lost a brother to stage four lung cancer. But worst than that I lost a brother I could not save, I could not help, no matter what I and people close to me tried to do. Smoking is the symptom of what killed him. The issues that made him smoke so heavily everyday for many years were the real killer, but of course we feel better blaming cigarettes.  May you rest in peace my brother; may you forgive us for all we could not or would not do for you.  May we find peace with ourselves.

Nobody knows ...

The truth is we all seek answers from each other.  As if the key to our life and happiness depends on another.  The truth is, we ourselves, do not know how we will feel about someone or something year(s) from now, and yet we expect others to know and have the answers.  All we know is how we feel now and what we want now; Let that guide us to what will be later, not what we think should be the case later, or others think should be the case for us later.  Let's enjoy floating in the ocean of life, the journey of being one with the ocean, and if it led us to safe shores, let's enjoy that and be grateful for it too.

Happy Valentine's Day!

To all my dear friends and readers here, I wish you a happy Valentine's day, filled with health, joy, love, and happiness.  Love is not limited to being loved by one person, or loving someone.  It is much broader than that.  It is a sense of being connected with self and universe, and being at peace with it.  It includes love of life, love of self to always do what is best for our souls, to have self respect and confidence, loving and respecting others, and more importantly allowing ourselves to be loved, letting others we love and care about in our worlds, breaking tall firm walls around us one brick at a time by acts of kindness, exchanges of happy moments, as well as walking through pain together.


Happy Valentine's Day!

Relax!

This was sitting in my drafts, a note I wrote a while back when I was juggling so many work, personal, and family tasks and get togethers.  It is good not to forget this note. 
 
I have recognized an issue recently that I need to resolve for myself: I tend to create so many personal deadlines and obligations for myself that I then try to fulfill with a sense of urgency. I stress myself over the self imposed deadlines and tasks, and then get upset when people involved in those tasks do not even care.  For example, if I have not seen a friend or a family member for a while, I feel guilty, I feel it is my duty to make a plan, make things happen, or that it looks bad if I do not.  I compromise the much needed alone time, time to relax, do the errands, or even work, just to realize later no one really cared if I did that or not, and the whole thing for me to stress over was such a mute point.

I know the problem, but I do not know how I can make myself care less, relax, let go. Maybe like B tells me sometimes: "Do not create work for yourself!".

Vulnerability

It is not who does or does not make you cry;
It is who you trust to share your tears with.

You know what?

I work at a place, where people take their vacation time, spend money on air fare and hotel, to go to another site of their work to say see a shuttle launch or landing, or just see it on its last flight! The employer does not have to gather employees with free lunches and events and T-shirts (nor can they do it). We even have to pay for our cup of coffee or expect to be on national news about how we are wasting tax payers' money. Projects and missions are lifetime and generational contributions to science. They take many years, require a lot of patience and perseverance through out different political and financial climates, and a whole lot more of dreaming and believing in those dreams. Bureaucracy is a very small price for living so many childhood dreams and making so many of them come true. I do not think I can find such cool/wow factor, such dedication and happiness, at any other place. At least, it would be really hard for me.

Career choices

When do you know it is time to introduce a change in your career? When is the time to look for new positions and opportunities outside your own organization instead of trying to move up internally? Is change for the sake of change good enough? What are the criteria you need to have satisfied to know you are a good fit for your career? Is being passionate about your organizations' goals and objectives, having good pay and benefits enough to make you overlook the slow pace of progress and growth? The convoluted system of bureaucracy that you have mastered maneuvering in? What if you join another organization, where you grow technically, work in a fast pace, get things done, but those achievements simply do not mean much to you? How should one balance these different needs? What would call for a change?

I love my job; I like what I do. I once in a while get frustrated over some organizational rules and processes. Once in a while I am approached by recruiters of different well-known companies. On a bad day, they are tempting to act on. But should one pursue all options just because they exist?

ترس

خدا رحم كرده من پزشك نشدم، حتما تا الان ديوانه ميشدم و با مطالعه و يادگيرى درباره هر مرضى فكر ميكردم خودم شايد دارم بهش مبتلا ميشم. يه زمانى بچه كه بوديم دل درد كه ميگرفتيم فوقش ميگفتيم مال اون همه گوجه سبز يا گيلاس يا توت فرنگى بود كه هى تند تند خوردى. اما الان... كافيه كوچكترين دل دردى بگيرم... بهترين فكر ممكن اين هست كه نكنه اپانديس گرفتم؟ بعد هم فكر زخم معده و هزار جور سرطان معده و روده و غيره به ذهن مياد! از كى انقدر ترسو شدم؟ چطور؟ چرا؟ خيلى بده!

Inspire the power inside

The truth is, it is hard to enjoy the moment for the analytical mind, that cannot stop analyzing, modeling, and predicting the future based on the data that is present. It is also hard to be patient for the desired outcome. If one cannot wait for a flower to bloom, a chicken to come out of the eggshell, an idea to develop, one can easily destroy the plant by watering it too much, giving it too much fertilizer, or breaking the eggshell by accidentally dropping it or stepping on it, as a result of caring too much for it. One can easily destroy the possibilities of great innovations, outcomes, accomplishments, relationships as a result of wanting to get to a destination too fast or not wanting to participate in a slow and steady, yet rewarding, process.

I have to remind myself to enjoy the moment. To just give enough love and care, continuously and gently, before killing a flower that has not even blossomed. I also have to receive enough care and love, for the same flower can die in absence of sun light, air, or water. Maintaining this balance of give and take of energy, life, love, care, and attention is hard, but crucial to sustainability of the life of anything we aim to keep alive.

I was reminded of this fact through this quote, whose origin is unknown to me:

"When an egg breaks by a power outside, a life ends. When an egg breaks by a power inside, a life begins. Great things always begin from the power inside!"

People can be inspired to do great things, but they cannot be forced to do so.

Doing the Right Thing!

I feel like little Charlie in Scent of a Woman. Exhausted of doing the right thing, traveling the right path as I know it. Al Pacino said it best why some people do not take this path: because it is too damn hard!

"[Lt. Col. Frank Slade is speaking in defense of Charlie Simms at meeting at the Baird School] Now I have come to the cross-roads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew, but I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard. Now here's Charlie. He's come to the cross-roads. He has chosen a path. It's the right path. It's a path made of principle that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey. ", Scent of a Woman.

Let me continue on my journey. I am tired.

Ending friendships

Here is an interesting article about the importance of acknowledging problems in friendships and relationships. Reading this made me realize what a long way I have traveled through out the years. I now not only dare to ask my friends "what is wrong", when I sense something is wrong, I also initiate and tell them whatever the hell I feel is wrong. I think they deserve to know and provide an explanation if there is any, just like I deserve to know if my friend thinks I did something wrong. How one chooses to address and respond to the complains, determines the future of that relationship, for better or worse.

Welcome 2012!

I started the new year, in a new way.
Our resolution: to be happy,
And innovative!

Talk, Ask!

It is never too early to start talking.

There is no such thing as too much communication.

Just as you think you might be bothering your teammate, colleague, or partner, going over all the details of a task, how to go about it, when to get it done, what the mutual expectations are,..., just as you think you are mastering the task and handling it very well, there comes the surprise, some fact you did not know about, because you just never asked about it and they just never talked about it.

انگيزه

اگر فقط به خاطر اين كامنت هم شده، راديو كالج پارك رو بايد سر پا نگه داشت.  اينكه شنونده اى در ايران داره كه فقط براى شنيدن اين پادكست اينترنت رو ميخواهد.
"
سلام و صبح بخیر. من دیشب با این رادیو آشنا شدم وحالااینترنت را فقط برای شنیدن برنامه این رادیو میخواهم. البته پسرم میخواهد با افکار بچه گانه اش دراین رادیو برنامه های سن وسال خودش را گوش کند ولی من نمی گذارم و دنبالش میدوم واو هم فرار میکند.
"

شما هم گوش بديد :-)

Happy Thanksgiving!

I love this holiday, all its beautiful fall colors, and looking for excuses to be thankful for. Every year I pause and think of what blessings I am grateful for. Always, top on my list is just the fact that I am alive, and that I survived so many things. Mostly, I evaluate my relationships. Every year there are some new ones that have formed, and some that have faded away over time. This past year have been wonderful. I have strengthen my past relationships with close friends and I have formed some wonderful new bonds. I have been blessed for getting to know Dr. Amercian Lady, the mission scientist I have been working with for the past few months. A wonderful lady full of curiosity, questions, passion, energy. One who has retired as a professor and has joined our center so that she does not get bored and keep working on her research. God, I think she works more than me at her retirement! She searches for stories of the birth and evolution of our solar system, be it by looking at Vesta or by going to and living in Antarctica and Sudan to find geological evidence and parts of asteroids that had hit Earth billions of years ago. And she did! She found meteorological parts of new kinds too, a new discovery. She did not give up her life either. She has two grown successful kids and a loving husband. Just looking at her, laughing hard at meetings, the joy and love she spreads, every minute being close to her, makes me be thankful for being in the same room. For whatever chain of events that made this possible.

Then, there is one of my old professors. From the first day I entered her office after I had received my admission to grad school to ask for some advice, on a rainy nasty day that I got lost in A. V. Williams and was late to her meeting, to all the years of my studies and her having served on my committee, and now being my best collaborator, mentor, and teacher as always. She seems tough and serious to most. To me she is a treasure with the warmest kindest heart. Seeing how hard it is to form new collaborations, even when formal official proposals and letters of commitments are written, and the work never happens, I am so grateful for her still editing my writings, giving me advice, and always being there for me, even though she does not have to.

Finally, there is a newly formed relationship that is growing. I do not know what it will become or will be, but like a newly blossomed flower in Spring, it is beautiful. Of course, I am also thankful for Turkey on Turkey day! :-)

It is a Battlefield!

I wish for a day when I do not have to fight any battles to get simple ordinary tasks done. For a day that we do not have to do repeated exhausting time-consuming paper work for the simplest things. It is half an hour before noon, before a long weekend, and I have already fought a lot. I am tired, and it takes a lot to make me tired!

Truely naked!

"True intimacy is achieved when you feel safe enough to be emotionally naked with your partner. You know your partner will not try to talk you out of your authentic feelings, will not say you’re “over-reacting”, will not try to fix it, and will not ignore you. You know you will be supported and validated no matter what you’re feeling and sharing, verbally or otherwise. You know you will receive empathy. This is love, pure and simple…" *

Have you ever been emotionally naked? Feeling so safe not to be afraid of sharing your fears, your weaknesses, and your tears? Letting someone see your true naked emotional self? It is scary, very scary. But if, if and only if, the response is acceptance of you as you are, without trying to change you, fix you, or erase you, oh how sweet and rewarding that painful experience would become. If, and only if,.....have you ever dared? What was the outcome in your experience? Would you do it again, or never again? But is there any other way to true intimacy?


* http://psychscribe.wordpress.com/2009/05/01/relationships-true-intimacy/

يكى هست، يكى ديگه هم هست!

يكى هست چون ميدونه شما چايى دوست داريد، از روى احترام و رعايت حال شما، با شما چايى ميخوره، يا صبر ميكنه شما چايى تون رو بخوريد. يكى هم هست كه معنى چايى رو ميفهمه، خودش عاشق چايى هست، به قداست و ارزش چايى ايمان داره، و كيف ميكنه كه باشما چاى بنوشه.

يكى هست از روى احترام به شما و رعايت حال شما كفشش رو دم در در مياره، اما خودش ممكنه پا برهنه رو آسفالت هم راه بره يا با كفشش تو اتاق خواب و رو تختش بره، يكى هم هست مثل شما با همه وجودش جرم ها و ميكروبها رو ميبينه.

يكى هست از روى ادب به داستانها و علايق شما و آرزوهاتون گوش ميده، يكى هم هست كه واقعا با همه وجود ميخواد اونها رو بشنوه، و تا ميتونه سعى كنه شما هم به آرزوها و خواسته هاتون برسيد.

يكى هست از روى احترام به شما و رعايت حال شما، نميخواهد مانع شادى و خوشبختيتون بشه و ميذاره شما علايقتون رو دنبال كنيد، يكى هم هست كه غير از شادى و خوشحالى شما چيز ديگرى رو اصلا نميتونه بپذيره.

يكى هست سعى ميكنه اونى باشه كه شما دوست داريد، يكى هست واقعا اونى هست كه شما دوست داريد.