Mid-life reflections!

Through out my life, as a kid, teenager, young adult, I have always benefitted from talking to those who I admired, respected, or simply enjoyed their company for comfort, feedback, and guidance. I was lucky to be surrounded by good parents, friends, relatives, teachers, mentors, and colleagues. As I grew up more and gained more experience, my role and responsibilities at home and work has changed: I do not have that much free time and the luxury of talking so much with others. Also, I have lost some people. Some older colleagues who were my academic and professional mothers and fathers have retired, moved to other positions, or sadly passed away. The topics and dilemmas I face are also more advanced, specialized, and at times more personal. My past go-to people may not even have the knowledge, expertise, or qualifications to help me anymore even if they had time and were around.  Even if they did, sometimes there may be conflicts of interests not allowing for providing such supports.  All of a sudden, I am faced with a mid-life realization: I am a mother, supposed to be the younger generation's mentor and go-to person. I am not that little girl or young student or professional who can simply expect or rely on good people's kindness in my circles anymore.  I see why there are career coaches, leadership coaches, mentoring programs, therapists, ...  It is time to take advantage of available resources!

On responsibility, accountability or blame game

Preface: Let it be noted that now we are living through the longest government shutdown in the U.S. history.  Finally, after weeks of not working, becoming a house wife, and caring for my son every day due to his preschool's closure, I realize I actually have time and the mental capacity and energy to once again reflect more on my life, and to perhaps actually write!  Anyways, I found this in my old drafts. The topic in question is still in back of my mind and worthy of reflections, thoughts, and learning more about.
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I have been struggling with a philosophical question for years. I have a difficult time deciding or finding what the right answer is. The topic is related to dealing with difficult people. These days there are so many sites, TV and radio programs, books, forums, etc. run by psychologists discussing different topics and answering many questions. Often times, when someone in a bad relationship calls,  having to deal with a difficult or troubled spouse, child, or sibling, the question comes up whether that person knows s/he needs professional help. If the answer is yes, then they ask if s/he is willing to seek that help, and then often times if the answer is no, one is advised to cut off ties with the troubled person.

There may be many reasons for someone yelling, not being able to manage their anger, being easily irritated, or being too sensitive: thyroid hormones not being in normal range, pms, postpartum depression, or simply depression, stress, anxiety, etc.

If hormones are not balanced, isn't the difficult person a victim and patient him/herself? Is it fair or right to hold them accountable for their actions and at the times they are weak, and to want them not only to have the will and energy to seek help but also to fix things? Is not expecting a depressed or in general severely ill person to take responsibility for his/her own health like expecting a car with flat tires or burned engine to drive itself to mechanic shop, seek help, pay for help, and return well? 

How much those suffering from actions of these troubled and difficult individuals are responsible for not helping them get the much needed help and to go through with any treatments such as therapy sessions or taking antidepressants, etc? Especially if that person does not welcome the suggestions and refuses to act on them?

Who is to blame? To what extent are we responsible for well being of our adult loved ones, when they refuse help, be it medical, mental, or financial?  If we are passing the responsibility to the person who is supposed to seek help, how much in reality can that person be held accountable for their actions if they are deficient in some hormones, vitamins,  wisdom or simply lacking a healthy balance in their bodies or minds?

خورشید گرفتگی

امروز که خورشید گرفت، دل من هم گرفت. دفعه قبل که خورشیدگرفتگی را مشاهده کرده بودم با پدرم در تهران به تپه های عباس آباد رفتیم. کی باورش میشد اگر کسی به من میگفت این همه، همه چیز عوض میشود، هم خوب هم بد. به هر حال خورشید هم که هر روز مایه حیات ما و هر آنچه روی زمین هست و بی شائبه به همه نور و انرژی میبخشد، هر از چند گاهی دوست دارد مرکز توجه عالمیان باشد و ناز کند و خودش را قایم کند. راستش را بخواهید، حق هم دارد. هر چه باشد مرکز منظومه شمسی ماست و همه دور او گردانیم. درعوض بعضی از ما آدمها فکر میکنیم مرکز دنیا هستیم و هر روز همه توجه ها باید‌بر ما باشد.

Image credit: NASA, taken from https://www.nasa.gov/images/content/706822main_20121113-totaleclipse-orig_full.jpg

Maryam

These days many in our community are thinking of Maryam Mirzakhani battling cancer. She is a genius mathematician, first female Fields Medalist in the world, a Stanford professor, member of National Academy of Sciences, and a mother. My sadness reminds me of a distant bittersweet and difficult time in her life and people who knew her. I remember emotions I felt vividly. I had just came to U.S. I picked up a local Persian newspaper from a Persian restaurant. I saw picture of the National Mathematics Olympiad team on the cover. I happily opened the newspaper to the related page to see if there is news of number of medals they won, or other similar achievements we were used to often hear about them. My joy quickly turned to sorrow as I read more. They were all in a fatal bus accident, when traveling to a camp in preparation for their international competitions. Each individuals image and name was still fresh in my memory from their TV interviews and newspaper reports. I wept and wept not having read the article to the end. Few days later, I revisited the article. As I read more, my sorrow diminished.  Maryam and a few others had survived that bus accident. I now read news articles about her fighting cancer. There must be a final line missing. That she has survived again. I am searching for that newspaper.

http://www.payvand.com/news/17/jul/1066.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maryam_Mirzakhani

Loss and Gain

Today I attended a workshop titled Navigating through Loss. It was about how people cope with loss, different emotions and behaviors one experiences due to loss, examples of what a loss can be, etc, definitions of bereavement, loss, grief, and mourning.  An interesting point that was mentioned there for me was that even happy life events, such as marriage, birth of a child, or their graduation can cause similar emotions and feelings because whenever there is a gain, something is lost.  That is so true, yet not acknowledged enough.  We lose our single independent life when we move in with a life partner and then we lose our partner to some extent when we have a child. Combine all these with some real life losses of other family members passing and you get a mess you do not know what/who to blame for! 

زندگی

یکی به‌عبادت و مسجد‌و‌خانقاه و یا کلیسا پناه میبرد، یکی به رقص و‌ می و‌میکده و خوشگذرانی، و یکی از‌دنیا‌ و‌آدمیان میبرد و‌ در‌ کنج خانه می‌نشیند. هر‌یک به گونه‌ای از زندگی‌ و‌ هر‌آنچه آن  به ارمغان میآورد، می گریزند.

Unappoachable?

I have noticed people who seem powerful, are so with a strategy: They are unapproachable. They do not have an open door friendly policy. You have to choose your words carefully and make sure you get the result you want from a very short interaction with them. Some are genuinely  so due to their position and their very many duties, but at their presence, however short, you feel welcomed and respected. I am not talking about them. I am talking about those powerful people that have an invisible bubble around them. You cannot get to them. You are intimidated by them and scared to talk openly with them.  You feel scared of them, and you sometimes find it easier not to approach them about different matters. They benefit from this. You may lose some benefits or you rights because you did not confronted these unapproachable people when you had to.  The truth is, they are more scared of you. They are waiting for your remarks and as soon as they sense the slightest hint, you quickly see their defensive responses and actions. So do not be afraid, speak up! What is the worst thing that can happen?

Check Boxes

I do not know if it is an American thing or a condition of modern age.  It seems like people are running around, following some pre-planned blue print, making sure they check some previously determined, often similar, items on their things to do before they die. Apart from the mandatory educational process that one has to go through to find or make their own place in the world, majority seem to be searching for their mates, some even aiming to find that person and settle down before a certain age, have their first child before a certain age, and then after the magically decided three years, have the second one. After having endured so many failed relationships and many many dates,  as soon as having their dream of a partner and a child, they look for opportunities to get rid of that child, or later even partner, any chance they get for minutes and hours or days here and there, as if s/he is a disease. In addition to necessary daycare or nanny arrangements to allow parents to work, they want sitters and grandparents, anything that would allow them to have a date night again.  It becomes unbelievable if a parent refuses a business trip to be with their baby, or refuses a late party for baby's sleep routine and comfort. It becomes hard to believe that a parent may actually enjoy the company of their baby more than the alternatives presented to them.  Friends and colleagues recommend getting a sitter to celebrate an occasion and night out, to get a break, not even occurring to them that mom and dad won't enjoy that celebration without their baby.  Along the way, most people buy a townhome and after a few years, a single home, and then once all the dust settles, all they want to do is to retire. Finally after 30-40 years of hard work, retirement comes along and they have to downsize the childless house they worked so hard to pay for and cannot maintain anymore and move to a condominium or retirement community, all that if they are lucky enough to still be together at that point. You wonder if they think about the meaning of all these boxes they check and whether they remember to smell the roses and enjoy everything along the way too.

Purto Vallarta and beyond

The last trip I took before having a baby, while pregnant, was to attend a friend's wedding in Pueto Vallarta, Mexico. The destination was so peaceful but somehow worried spouse and parents added to my stress of traveling pregnant even though my doctor had approved it.  I wanted to enjoy it and relax as much as possible knowing it would be long before I would have the chance to travel so far freely again. I myself was not the same as before anymore. I was responsible for a life within me. I was determined to make the best of the trip though. The pacific ocean and calm enviornment, good weather and food, and seeing old friends reunited, helped a lot. The wedding day arrived. A wedding by the beach. We went and sat on a bench. Three other guests came to sit next to us. All of a sudden the bench broke, or fell down, and we went down with it! Luckily it was not too high and under it was soft sand, but it did not matter. I was in tears, worried about my son. What the hell did I do? What if I lose him or something goes wrong with him? What can I do far from my doctor and home in Mexico? How am I going to live for the rest of my life? I did not understand much of the gorgeous ceremony and beautiful wedding even though my son's movements and kicking was reassuring me he was there, active and happy, like other nights. We went back home. We were grateful for making it safe and for our healthy boy. We regretted not enjoying the pacitifc ocean and wedding as much as possible later on. Above all, I was grateful for my healthy son and being able to carry on with our life and little family.

A month or so later there was a sad news. Sherryl Sandberg's husband passed away unexpectedly. Later we learned they were vacationing in the same exact place we were a month earlier: Purto Vallarta. My memories of being terrified there came back, except this time someone else experienced the worst for real. I felt for her and her family so much. Of all places to face a tragedy in a gorgeous vacation place where you are supposed to relax and make good memories, is hard to swallow.

During the last year, I lost a brother quickly to lung cancer. Two years ago my father passed unexpectedly.  These events affected me deeply specially due to circumstances I was facing each time: I could not care for my father due to long distance and things happening faster than we could process and act on, as well as other limitations posed on me during the hardest time of my life by my employer. I had to make hard choices, and choosing integrity made me pay a very high price of not being there with my dad.  I could not care for my brother because of having to nurse my son, having just returned to work after a few months of maternity leave, and having lost our support for child care all at the same time.  I was left with many what ifs, and what I could have dones, feelings of guilt and anger, but I did carry on with life every day, one day at a time.  Surprisingly, even though losing a sibling is more unexpected than a parent, losing my father has been harder on me. Maybe because I could not see him, or because of a closer bond I had with him, or because of tough choices I had to make during his passing, or maybe my son made it clear where my focus and priority should be as a mother when my brother was passing.

Now, a year after that Purto Vallarta trip, Sherryl Sandberg gave a great graduation speech at Berkley, going over her experience that I could somewhat relate too, though losing a partner and father of your children is harder than I can even imagine. She gave good tips that can guide one cope with such tragedies when they hit. My favorite quote of her there is this: "The easy days ahead of you will be easy. It is the hard days—the times that challenge you to your very core—that will determine who you are. You will be defined not just by what you achieve, but by how you survive".  You can watch her full speech here:

https://www.facebook.com/sheryl/videos/10156847483930177/

Mom Talk

Motherhood: Realizing that one of the most important and vital conversations of your day is about the frequency, size, density, and color of your baby's poo and that you have become one of *those* women!

زابل

امروز صبح در رادیو ملی واشنگتن دی سی‌، گزارشی از خشکسالی در مرز افغانستان و ایران پخش شد. در برنامه با یک پیر مرد زابلی کشاورز مصاحبه شد. صداش در زمینه بود و برگردان انگلیسی روش. از این میگفت که کشاورزی تنها راه در آمدشون هست، که دولت ایران هیچ سرمایه گذاری در آنجا نمیکنه و خشکسالی سالهای متوالی ضربه زیادی به مردم آنجا زده. اینکه هیچ کارخانه ای‌ آنجا نیست. حتی واردات کمی که از افغانستان می‌کردند دیگر امکان پذیر نیست چون دولت مرز رو به خاطر ترافیک مواد مخدر بسته. اینکه رسانه‌های ایران زابل رو خیلی‌ پوشش نمیدهند. و من به این فکر می‌کردم که در تمام مدت زندگی‌ در ایران، هیچ شناخت كافى‌ از زابل و مردمانش نداشتم و هیچ وقت صدای آن‌ هموطنانم را نشنیدم. فقط يك بار سفرنامه اى چاپ كانون پرورش فكرى كودكان و نوجوانان از يك خبر نگار كه به سيستان و بلوچستان رفت بود را خوانده بودم. عكس هاى آن كتاب و آشنايى با شدت فقر آنها و اينكه بچه هاى آنجا چقدر متفاوت از من زندگى ميكردند، من را به شدت تكان داده بود. حالا صبح ، در راه کار، این سر دنیا، صدای این مرد زابلی به گوش من میرسه. راستی‌ پیر مرد میدون صداش رو مردم در آمریکا امروز صبح شنیدند؟ می‌دونه واشینگتن دی سی‌ کجاست؟ اثر این گزارش ٔبر زندگی‌ او چه خواهد بود؟ آیا سفر خبر نگارهای بی‌‌بی‌سی نیوز و ان پی‌ آّر برای تهیه این گزارش باعث توجّه هر چند موقتی به این مردم شده؟

My own family

My life changed drastically during the past two years, not just by losing family members, but by happy occasions of gaining new ones too. I became a wife; I became a mother; I yet again became an aunt. So many beautiful things happened and sadly life got in the way of truly celebrating these life changing events.  I am glad I finally found my partner and finally my dream of becoming a mother became true. I am blessed. Every morning my son gives me the most beautiful smiles. He reminds me it is a new day and anything is possible. After a day's work, his smile is all we need to take away our tiredness and give us energy to carry on. Thank you universe for lining up all the stars and giving us our healthy small family. Thank you my family for all I have learned from you. Love and motherhood is the most amazing life experience of all; The one that makes you feel truly vulnerable and strong at the same time. May we be able to protect and grow this angel that is trusted with us.

Let this blog reflect all the joy I have experienced and lessons I have learned as  a result too! I have a lot to catch up with.

Peace at last

Once upon a time I used to write here. I would reflect on any interesting, small or big event or problem, analyze it, or just record it for my memory. I used to find it therapeutic. After some point, the events and issues got so big, so overwhelming, so unbelievable to grasp and understand, that I gave up.  I guess Americans say that is when shit hits the fan.  Over the years I struggled trying to figure out how I could be of any help and support to my oldest brother. He always was struggling with one crisis or another, refusing to acknowledge and treat the root cause of all his sorrows. Situation went from bad to worse to worst, emotionally, financially, and finally physically beyond anything anyone could do. I lost a brother to stage four lung cancer. But worst than that I lost a brother I could not save, I could not help, no matter what I and people close to me tried to do. Smoking is the symptom of what killed him. The issues that made him smoke so heavily everyday for many years were the real killer, but of course we feel better blaming cigarettes.  May you rest in peace my brother; may you forgive us for all we could not or would not do for you.  May we find peace with ourselves.

New beginnings

2014 started as a painful sad year for me, with the loss of my father, and proved to be the most eventful year of my life.  Despite the saddest start, I had major positive personal changes in my life too.  So many stories are left untold, and I deeply miss writing and reflecting on my thoughts and life.

It is time to catch up... to write more and learn more.  Here is hoping I find the time and energy.

Blind Spots

We were on a telcon discussing the agenda for an upcoming meeting.  The speaker says: "Mr. X won't be able to attend the meeting because his wife is having a baby at that time".

What a way of saying he is becoming a father! Is not he having a baby as well?  He says as if it is a significant event in the wife's life only and he is staying as a favor or service to her not because he does not want to miss his child's birth.

Is it me or does this phrasing sound strange to you too?

Vision

I am frustrated these days a lot about many things;  How leaders at highest levels work in survival mode, sustaining the status quo.  Those whose job is to have a vision and strategic plan, lack both.  When asked about it, there is no response; Worse, you hear the inaction at times might be by design.  Some people may think of retiring, finally.  Some may quit to find better opportunities.  Even if so, these leaders do not think what their organizations will be known for?  What values will it stand for? What repetition and respect will it have in public eyes?  Will the youth of today consider working for it tomorrow? Will it even exist tomorrow if they persist in their approaches?

Good writers

I think being a good writer and speaker, has more to do with having something of value to say and share, than it does with writing and speaking skills.

Friends

I think I have been depressed lately. For the first time, I think I really felt for people who had gone through this. I could see and feel how draining it can be. How hard it can get to do the most simple daily tasks. Me, who was full of life and passion, find it hard to put myself together and do my job. I find myself procrastinating.  It takes forever to finish a few charts.

 -"It is hard to focus and get things done these days", I told an old friend and colleague that I admire a lot.
 -"You will have better days gradually. It takes at least 6 months to a year to even get used to the idea of loss".
 I nodded.

 A couple of days ago, I found myself talking and laughing, surrounded by old and new friends in a short casual get-together. Maybe I can get back to my old self. That is what getting out of your routine, good friends and people do. They bring you out of your shell, remind yourself to you, bring you glimpses of hope. Maybe I will be all right again.

زن نوين

"
زن نوين، دختر نجیبی نیست که عشقش به یک ازدواج موفق ختم شود، همسری نیست که در خفا از خیانت های شوهرش رنج بکشد... پیردختری نیست که در حسرت عشق نافرجام جوانیش بسوزد، او قربانی شرایط رقت بار طبیعت سرکوب شده اش نیست... زن نوین قهرمانی است که مستقلانه از زندگی طلب می کند، که اعتماد به نفس دارد، که علیه بردگی جهانی زنان در مقابل دولت و خانه و جامعه می ایستد، که به عنوان نماینده همجنسانش برای حقوقش می جنگد.
"
الكساندر  كولونتاي

Desiderata

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.  Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."

Max Ehrmann,