مثل بابابزرگ

هر وقت ميخواستى بيشتر غذا بكشى، يا غذايى يا دسرى كه روى ميز بود را ميخواستى بردارى، اول به همه تعارف ميكردى، اگر شده بيست نفر تو اتاق بودند. اگر هم كسى نميخواست انقدر اصرار ميكردى كه يكى برداره بالاخره.  آخرش انتظار داشتى يكى بگويد خودتون هم بفرمايييد.  خودت با خودت هم تعارف داشتى، يا به خودت اجازه نميدادى كه تا كسى بهت چيزى تعارف نكرده آن را بردارى.  من هم كه دير دوزاريم ميفتاد، آخرش هم عصبانى ميشدم كه خودتون ميخواين بخورين ورداريد بخوريد خوب چرا انقدر به من اصرار ميكنيد.

سر ميز شام جزمين چهار ساله مياد سمت من با يك قوطى نوشابه.

جزمين: عمه نرگس نوشابه ميخواهى؟ 

من: نه، مرسى جزمين جون نميخوام. 

جزمين: يك كم نميخواهى؟

من: نه مرسى.

جزمين:  شايد من يك كم بخواهم.

خنده اى ميكنم و برايش نوشابه ميريزم.  جزمين به بابا بزرگش رفته اما ارتباطاتش هم بهتر از قديميهاست.

روزنامه ايرانى را برميدارم كه نگاهى بيندازم.  جزمين كه كارتون نگاه ميكند برميگردد و ميگويد: براى بابا بزرگ نگه داريم، خب؟ ميگويم خب.  هنوز تو و روزنامه هايت را يادش هست.

باباجون

"

پدرم پشت دوبار آمدن چلچله ها ، پشت دو برف

پدرم پشت دو خوابیدن در مهتابی ،

پدرم پشت زمان ها مرده است .

پدرم وقتی مرد ، آسمان آبی بود ،

مادرم بی خبر از خواب پرید ، خواهرم زیبا شد .

پدرم وقتی مرد ، پاسبان ها همه شاعر بودند .

مرد بقال ازمن پرسید: چند من خربزه می خواهی ؟

من ازاو پرسیدم : دل خوش سیری چند ؟"

ﺍﺯ ﺳﻬﺮﺍﺏ ﺳﭙﻬﺮﯼ ﮐﻪ ﺍﻫﻞ ﮐﺎﺷﺎﻥ ﺑﻮﺩ 

ﯾﮏ ﻣﺎﻩ ﭘﯿﺶ ﺑﻪ ﺧﻮﺍﺏ ﻣﻦ ﺁﻣﺪﻩ ﺑﻮﺩ

ﭼﺮﺍ ﮐﻪ ﭘﺪﺭﻡ ﺩﻭﺳﺖ ﺩﺍﺷﺕ ﻣﻦ ﻓﮑﺮ ﮐﻨﻢ ﺑﻪ ﺟﺎﯼ ﺑﯿﻤﺎﺭﺳﺘﺎن

ﺑﺎ ﺗﻮﺭ ﺑﻪ ﮐﺎﺷﺎﻥ رﻓﺘﻪ

ﺑﺎﺑﺎﺟﻮﻥ ﺧﯿﻠﯽ ﺯﻭﺩ ﺭﻓﺘﯽ.

ﺟﺎﯼ ﺧﺎﻟﯿﺖ ﻫﯿﭻ ﻭﻗﺕ ﭘﺮ ﻧﻤﯿﺸﻪ .

يك هفته گذشت و تو فردا ديگر زنگ نميزنى ....

Have a lovely 2014!

Happy 2014!  I always wish for health and happiness above all for people.  This year, I want to wish you love too.  Be it loving your neighbor, your nieces and nephews, life partner, parents, your passions or whoever or whatever else in this world.  The true love that does not only bring you pleasure and joy but the one that makes you grow, become pure, and know yourself like never before.  The one that makes you laugh all your laughter and cry all your tears till there is no drop left; and above all makes you share all those laughter and tears, without trying to hide them or pretend being happy all the time.  The one that makes you say prayers before going to sleep and express gratitude every time you wake up.  The type Khalil Gibran described in his poem:

When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth......

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

Theory is just theory.

Theories are nice in theory.  Reality is I cannot practice all the theories I hear.  There is something in us as humans that distinguishes us from animals. Maybe we should not be at ease like Sa'adi said when our own kind is in misery.  But then, is there an end to human kind's miseries? From hunger in Africa, wars and killings, diseases that kill, tsunamis, to financial and emotional failures, there is so much pain and hardship going on in the world.  Can we protect ourselves by rationalizing and accepting indifference? 

The battle within me continues.  I know I feel better when I do not try to protect myself by staying away.   I have also learned there is a limit to my ability to help others without jeopardizing my own health and well-being.  I have to find a balance.  I have to define some borders and boundaries; Just like my supervisor was advising regarding my professional job and duties.  I have to think about how far I can go to help someone out, no matter how close they are to me.  What is my limit?  Where is my boundary?

Problems

He talked and talked, and I listened.  The only acceptable response to him is validating that he is right; Supporting that he should keep going and do all the destructive things he has been doing.  I cannot do that.  When offering alternative points of view or suggestions, he gets offended: offering suggestions when I did not ask for your opinion is offensive.  Offering different point of views and slightest signs of disagreement makes him explode with frustration.  So, I silently listened; Wait it out for him to finish.  Maybe he feels relieved.  Maybe he gets tired of listening to himself saying the same old things over and over.   At least it was peaceful.  I just listened.

Then after some time, he realized I have been a good listener.  He wanted to act caring:  what problems do you have in your life? I went silent again, thinking.  Honestly, I like my life.  I like to be able to do what I do every day peacefully.  I enjoy my cup of tea in the morning, driving to work, working, my friends and relationship.  I like all the simple ordinary things in my life.  He asked again: you have no problems?  I thought of a future goal that I have not achieved yet.  I still do not have X, I said.  We talked a little about what having X meant and he offered some of his thoughts, some of which were insulting me, but I yet listened.

Later after he left, I thought to myself, why did not I tell him you are my biggest, maybe the only, problem in life?  You cause me so much pain and stress.  You are it.  Part of it was probably me not wanting to hurt him more, my tendency to please.  Then, I realized, by saying that to him, I would have been taking ownership of his problems.  My subconscious did not want to acknowledge and approve him as my problem.  Yes, an adult, who is thirteen years older than me, is not my problem nor my responsibility.  I should remind myself more of that, and not feel guilty for not making him and his problems, mine.  I have to work hard on keeping it that way: not making him my problem.

Evaluations and Reflections

I had a meeting with my supervisor for my performance review.  It was the fist time I was doing such a review with my new supervisor and in my new role as a project manager.  So, I was not sure of his style and assessment. I also was not sure how well I am doing in this new role.  I submitted my input in the same old format and template I used to in previous years to my old supervisor.  I had listed accomplishments; Tangible things I had achieved. I was surprised that my supervisor had noted and was expecting to see other comments: how I had to negotiate with several people to come to an agreement; How they were some discrepancies in some reports and I was interested, passionate, and persistent enough to get to the bottom of it and learn the cause of those discrepancies.  How I handled the difficult Program Manager at Headquarters.  All things I had considered as means of achieving a final goal, were considered achievements themselves by my supervisor.  It made sense. I was no longer an engineer developing code and tangible milestones, rather enabling others to do so.  Overcoming obstacles and making impacts was my job and I was getting recognized for it.

My supervisor suggested I may want to consider taking some systems engineering training. He mentioned down the road that may become the next career growth opportunity and wondered how I felt about it.  The look on my face did not seem enthusiastic about becoming a systems engineer.  Yet, I was so happy to have a boss who cares about my growth and future.  I was happier than before for having made this recent career move.  My pervious boss not only did not care about my future career goals, he hardly knew what I was working on.  While we were on the subject of training, I asked his idea about leadership classes.  I guess I personally am more interested in having and practicing leadership qualities.  He said you have natural leadership tendencies, and thought I may benefit more from systems engineering.  It was good to hear from my new boss in my new role that I am doing okay in leadership and am a natural, what I often feared to be the most challenging part of this job. I am glad he identified a weaker skill set in me that was not obvious to myself.  Paying more attention to systems engineering principles will make me a better project manager and I have to act on his constructive feedback.

Then, he warned me to watch for how much work I take on.  That the program manager is difficult to work with.  He said "you have a tendency to please", no kidding I thought.  At some point you have to define a clear boundary around your system and refuse to take on more responsibilities, he said.
My boss warning me not to do too much work?  I can handle that!

I am so grateful to have such a wise and caring supervisor!

Dream Jobs

We may often hear friends and relatives talking about their dream lifestyles and jobs.  In this high tech, fast paced society, many crave for peace and tranquility in remote and less crowded areas.  I have heard friends yearning to have a bed and breakfast, a small restaurant or cafe on a major interstate or intercity highway, and the most popular of all to the point of it becoming a joke among Iranians, to have a kabobi place of our own.  But how many are really serious about their dreams and really want those images become reality?  Today, I saw an update from an old classmate of mine in graduate school on linkedin that shocked me, inspired me, dropped my jaw in awe and respect for her, and at the same time saddened me!  I have mixed feelings about this:

A PhD in Computer Science has left computer industry to own her own farm in Michigan!  She says in her profile after years of being in the computer industry, I have chosen a lifestyle that is more connected to nature, is organic and sustainable, an alpaca farm!  What she did does take a lot of courage: going from the comfort zone of a desk job to dealing with and relying on mother nature for a living.  Her animal herd count is 7.  She has an online store of handmade products for sale.  I am happy she made her dream reality. I am sad for the academic and technical world to lose a PhD in her field!  What percentage of people in the world get the opportunity to receive all the trainings and education she did?  Who will help train the next generation of scientists and engineers if PhDs persue careers such as running a farm, a restaurant, or becoming a homemaker as another friend of mine with a PhD in computer science called it after she got married!  I am sure their education helps them in different aspects of their lives, but is not their choices a huge loss for the scientific community?

I too have some dreams of my own.  I hope I have the courage to pursue them.  Sadly, it may be very hard for me to take that risk, though for a good reason: I like my job.  My dream independent work, if becoming reality, will be very rewarding and yet very time consuming and exhausting.  My dream does not involve nature or food industry.  It involves human beings! And that makes it most complicated.