We gather and mingle

We gather and mingle,
Eat and talk,
Play games and walk away,
With friends chosen from strangers
Stranger enough not to know our pains, our lives, our wounds.

We gather and mingle,
We befriend everyone and all,
Just not to face that pain deep inside.

We gather and mingle,
and lose track of time,
In long lonely nights,
In rooms full of people,
From all over the globe,
Any race and profession you wish for.

We gather and mingle,
We the restless crowd,
The whole world is watching us,
From a distance,
Envious of us
Gathering and mingling,
Traveling and laughing
Eating and drinking.

We are lost and restless
Always leaving someone behind
Always hurting or being hurt
Never content with the gatherings and minglings.

The unforgiving price of doing nothing

"I do think that part of being a leader is to understand that there is a very deliberative process on behalf of the electorate where they're giving the leadership to you. And it's a funny thing about this. They will forgive you anything, in fact, they may even forgive you a decision they profoundly disagree with, but they wouldn't forgive you for not deciding. " said Tony Blair on Farid Zakaria's GPS program of CNN.

What he said struck home for me. I feel the same way when judging people. I admire those who try achieve their goals and fail in the process, but not those who do not try. It does not matter if I do not share the same interests with them or even if I disagree with their cause. I admire those who actively practice having dialogues, information exchanges, transparency, giving and receiving constructive criticism, collaborations, by participating in public forums of different forms, real or virtual. They are active agents of a process that results in learning experiences and growth of individuals and communities. It does not matter if I do not agree with them. In fact, it is often times their courage and dedication to their beliefs that cause their disagreeing silent majority to come out of their shells and say something, or do something. The silent majority is a term that was often used during Jon Stewart Rally to Restore Sanity. I think the silent majority is somewhat responsible for all the insanity that goes on, for being by-standers that hands over all the attention and resources to those they disagree with, for not making things better, for not giving sanity and civility voice and power. I think those intellectuals in good health, with access to good resources, know better, and should do better, or at least try to do better.

I admire people who expose themselves to being criticized, judged, or even labeled by many adjectives even if I believe they are wrong. They are providing the opportunity to the other side to respond and maybe correct what is happening in many silent minds, to right some wrongs. Even more admirable are those who after years of believing in something, as a result of their learning experiences and exchange of ideas, come to the conclusion that they were wrong, and not shy away from exposing their human side; the side that is vulnerable and makes mistakes, and yet can learn from those mistakes. I find it hard to respect those who complain about things at their home, work, neighborhood, city, country, or world without doing their share of changing things for better, living a better life, making a difference, or at the very least not causing any harm.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." Mahatma Gandhi

Rays of hope

You are on a roller coaster ride my dear readers this year. So, I was faced with the first barrier of my new approach to things, and I was ready to give up. Turns out patience and just believing in yourself can shine some lights of hope and make you continue on your journey.

Lesson of the day*: sometimes people are not motivated and encouraged to do something because it is right and good for themselves or for their kids when someone else asked them to, whether directly or indirectly. Doing so would make them wrong and you right. They are always right you should keep in mind, and who the hell are you to prove them wrong, or tell them what they should or should not do. Proving them wrong is not the goal anyways, rather their health and well-being. So, instead, it helps to rephrase the problem and approach it differently. Make them feel they are doing you a favor. You are suffering and you are stressed, which you are anyways because of their behavior. They have the power to save you and make you feel better, only if they do something differently.** Often times, they are more than happy to do that. They feel empowered. They are helping you feel better by doing what you wished they do, for you. At the end, you do feel better too, and so do they. And everyone lives happily ever after, till the next post at least ;-)

* I know this lesson is not rocket science and many may know it in theory. However, experiencing both approaches in practice and seeing how differently they work turned on a huge light bulb in my head.

** However, if you always use this approach, one might be perceived as constantly being selfish and needy. So, if this becomes the perception of the other side and this approach stops working, you need to remind and reassure the other person that you are worried about their well-being and you care for them. The moral of a story is that there are different ways of seeing and approaching the same problem and getting the desired outcome. Utilize what works best in your situation.

Help!

Okay, I do not know anything. I got a slap in the face. I lose. I confess. Three days in the new year, and I already regret my resolution. I cannot do it. Maybe, I do not want to do it. Not sure. For now, I am back to my last year's approach before I go crazy. At least that worked!

Another year ...

Another year is approaching in a few hours. It was like yesterday when I was making plans for 2010. I pretty much achieved what I wished: I went to new places, enjoyed my friends' company, learned a lot, and taught a lot. I said what I meant, I was at peace with myself and hardly allowed anyone to ruin this peace. For the most part I was happy. This happiness however relied on a conscious effort to put distance between myself and those who made me sad, stressed, depressed, mad, etc. It worked to some degree.

I am at a new level now, realizing that I am sad seeing my close family members and friends in pain. I cannot just protect myself by staying away from some people. As painful as it is, maybe I have to just be in their lives when they want me to. I cannot change or influence anything unless I am involved. We cannot claim we are open minded and tolerant but not want to carry a conversation with someone because we do not like their opinion or because we do not like their approaches to things. I do not think I was performing poorly in this area, but the approach of many friends and family members around me made me realize the importance of being involved, open, and receptive to others. That is the only way I can hope for any positive change: by doing something about issues that bothers me. And that's my new year's resolution. May I not regret this!

به خاطر روى ماهش

درسته، من ماه رو دوست دارم. عكسش هم روى بلاگم هست. ازش حرف هم ميزنم، اما اين روز ها كه همه از ماه گرفتگى ميگويند، سكوت كردم. اصلا همين را هم نميخواستم بنويسم. آنقدر همه در وصف اين ماه گرفتگى نوشتن، كه انگار بايد خودم را توجيه كنم. هر چند كه اين بين من و ماه است و هيچ ربطى هم به شما ندارد. من نميدانم چرا همه براى ديدن ماه گرفتگى بيدار مينشينند و آن را يك پديده جالب ميدانند؟ من چشم ديدن گرفتگى ات را ندارم. من فكر ميكنم اين پديده نادر يعنى روال عادى و نظم طبيعى به هم خورده; كه تويى كه هر شب همه جاى دنيا با من بودى و هستى، تصميم گرفته اى كه قايم شوى، براى خودت باشى. بقيه نميفهمن تو اون يك شب رو ميخواهى با خودت باشى؟ همه همون يك شب يادت ميوفتن؟ از ترس گم شدنت، از دست دادنت، بايد لحظه به لحظه شاهد گرفتگيت باشن؟ من آنشب تخت خوابيدم كه تو هر جا كه ميخواهى بروى تا فردا شبش دل قرص و كاملت را ببينم.

از دهى در خراسان تا ...

از دوستان اقوام ما هستند، خودش و خانمش هميشه با سكوت و وقار بيشتر شنونده هستند. كمتر به ياد دارم حرفى زده باشند به جز سلام و احوالپرسى هاى معمولى. البته بندگان خدا گناه ندارند، بين دعواهاى سياسى و مذهبى و فخر فروشى هاى عده اى به عده ديگر، سكوت پيشه كردن بهتر است. من معمولا به بچه هاى برادرم كه سوزنشان روى "عمه" با اون لهجه شيرينشون گير ميكنه پناه ميبردم، كه آنها هم نبودند. از قضاى روزگار آدمهاى بحث برانگيز هم كمى رحم كرده بودند و سكوت پيشه كرده بودند، و باعث شد من و اين زوج مسن با هم صحبت كنيم و بهتر بشناسمشان. واقعا خيلى جالب هست آدم ها از كنار هم ماهها و سالها رد ميشوند، بدون اينكه همديگر را خوب بشناسند.

حرف سر آمريكا آمدن افراد بود، و اين آقا ركورد دار جمع بود. گفت سال 1964 به آمريكا آمده. 1964، خيليه ها! اون موقع داخل ايران هم كمتر كسى براى درس خوندن به شهر ديگرى ميرفت. اما نقطه تعجب فقط زمان آمدنشان نبود، بلكه از كجا به كجا رفتن و رسيدنشان بود. خودش ميگويد " ما در ده بوديم." اسم دهشان يادم رفت، اما نزديك بجنورد در استان خراسان بود. ميگويد "من اولين كسى بودم كه در دهمان كلاس ششم را تمام كردم". كلاس ششم، نه حتى ديپلم! پدرش مكتب رفته بود، يعنى نزد آخوندهاى ده سواد ياد گرفته بود. همين سواد براى او كافى بود كه دنيا را به او بشناساند. ميگفت پدرم تمام كتابهاى درسى من را از اول تا آخر ميخواند. اگر من در امتحان علوم يا تاريخ 14 ميشدم، پدرم اگر اون امتحان رو ميداد حتما 20 ميگرفت. پدرش كشاورز و زمين دار بود، و مشترك چند روزنامه رايج آن زمان شده بود. روزنامه ها از مشهد با پست براى او ميامدند. همان سواد مكتبى در دنيا را به او باز كرد. پسرش را به شهر براى درس خواندن فرستاده بود و پس از ديپلم به او توصيه كرده بود براى تحصيل به خارج برود. اين آقاى داستان ما ميگويد در آن زمان عده اى از دوستانش داشتند كارهايشان را ميكردند كه به آلمان بروند. او در تهران سرگرم تدارك كارهاش بوده كه تلگرافى يك خطى از پدرش كه به مشهد براى فرستادن آن تلگراف رفته بود ميگيرد: "آلمان نرو، آمريكا برو." با خود هاج و واج فكر ميكند تك و تنها آمريكا بروم كه چه، من با دوستانم ميخواستم سفر كنم، اما حمايت مالى پدر زمين دار و كشاورز براى آمريكا رفتن بود، نه آلمان، و اين طور شد كه اين آقا با ثبت نام در كلاس انگليسى در ايالت نيويورك ويزا ميگيرد و به آمريكا مى آيد.

او امروز مهندس راه و ساختمان موفقى است. دو سال پيش به خاطر وضع بد اقتصادى كمپانى كه در آن كار ميكرد عذر عده اى از جمله او را خواستند. زمان باز نشستگيش هم هست اما به دنبال كار گشت و در اين بحران اقتصادى در يكى از بزرگترين كمپانى هاى تكنولوژى كه با وزارت هواپيمايى آمريكا قراردادهاى فراوان دارند كار گرفت. صبح ها ساعت 4:30 بيدار ميشود تا قطار ساعت 6:15 را بگيرد. دوست ندارد صبح ها عجله كند و الا اين همه وقت لازم ندارد براى رسيدن به ايستگاه. از شمال مريلند قطار ميگيرد تا پس از يك ساعت به ايستگاه مترو مركزى واشنگتون دى سى برسد، و بعد با مترو به كار ميرود. هر طرف مسيرش 2 ساعت طول ميكشد، يعنى روزى 4 ساعت در راه است. اما اصلا گلايه نميكند، ناراضى نيست، كارش را دوست دارد، خوشحال است كه كار دارد. وقتى من در مورد راه دورش گفتم كه بايد خسته كننده باشد، گفت نه، من دو سال كار نداشتم، خيلى بد بود. قطار راحت است، چشمهام رو روى هم ميذارم تا برسم. خانمش در تاييد خوشحال بودنش گفت وقتى خونه ميرسه اصلا خسته و ناراحت نيست.

سواد خواندن و نوشتن براى يك كشاورز ايرانى كافى بود كه تصور و آرزوى تحصيل در آمريكا رو براى فرزندش بكنه و اون رو محقق كنه. بايد قبل از اينكه دير بشه باهاش درباره پدرش، تجربيات سفرش، خاطراتش مصاحبه اى كنم. اينها جزيى از تاريخ معاصر ثبت نشده ايرانند. اصلا ما ميدونيم اولين ايرانى كه به آمريكا اومد كى بود؟ كى اومد؟ چرا اومد؟ انگار فقط همان 2500 سال پيش برايمان مهم است.