Theory is just theory.

Theories are nice in theory.  Reality is I cannot practice all the theories I hear.  There is something in us as humans that distinguishes us from animals. Maybe we should not be at ease like Sa'adi said when our own kind is in misery.  But then, is there an end to human kind's miseries? From hunger in Africa, wars and killings, diseases that kill, tsunamis, to financial and emotional failures, there is so much pain and hardship going on in the world.  Can we protect ourselves by rationalizing and accepting indifference? 

The battle within me continues.  I know I feel better when I do not try to protect myself by staying away.   I have also learned there is a limit to my ability to help others without jeopardizing my own health and well-being.  I have to find a balance.  I have to define some borders and boundaries; Just like my supervisor was advising regarding my professional job and duties.  I have to think about how far I can go to help someone out, no matter how close they are to me.  What is my limit?  Where is my boundary?

Problems

He talked and talked, and I listened.  The only acceptable response to him is validating that he is right; Supporting that he should keep going and do all the destructive things he has been doing.  I cannot do that.  When offering alternative points of view or suggestions, he gets offended: offering suggestions when I did not ask for your opinion is offensive.  Offering different point of views and slightest signs of disagreement makes him explode with frustration.  So, I silently listened; Wait it out for him to finish.  Maybe he feels relieved.  Maybe he gets tired of listening to himself saying the same old things over and over.   At least it was peaceful.  I just listened.

Then after some time, he realized I have been a good listener.  He wanted to act caring:  what problems do you have in your life? I went silent again, thinking.  Honestly, I like my life.  I like to be able to do what I do every day peacefully.  I enjoy my cup of tea in the morning, driving to work, working, my friends and relationship.  I like all the simple ordinary things in my life.  He asked again: you have no problems?  I thought of a future goal that I have not achieved yet.  I still do not have X, I said.  We talked a little about what having X meant and he offered some of his thoughts, some of which were insulting me, but I yet listened.

Later after he left, I thought to myself, why did not I tell him you are my biggest, maybe the only, problem in life?  You cause me so much pain and stress.  You are it.  Part of it was probably me not wanting to hurt him more, my tendency to please.  Then, I realized, by saying that to him, I would have been taking ownership of his problems.  My subconscious did not want to acknowledge and approve him as my problem.  Yes, an adult, who is thirteen years older than me, is not my problem nor my responsibility.  I should remind myself more of that, and not feel guilty for not making him and his problems, mine.  I have to work hard on keeping it that way: not making him my problem.

Evaluations and Reflections

I had a meeting with my supervisor for my performance review.  It was the fist time I was doing such a review with my new supervisor and in my new role as a project manager.  So, I was not sure of his style and assessment. I also was not sure how well I am doing in this new role.  I submitted my input in the same old format and template I used to in previous years to my old supervisor.  I had listed accomplishments; Tangible things I had achieved. I was surprised that my supervisor had noted and was expecting to see other comments: how I had to negotiate with several people to come to an agreement; How they were some discrepancies in some reports and I was interested, passionate, and persistent enough to get to the bottom of it and learn the cause of those discrepancies.  How I handled the difficult Program Manager at Headquarters.  All things I had considered as means of achieving a final goal, were considered achievements themselves by my supervisor.  It made sense. I was no longer an engineer developing code and tangible milestones, rather enabling others to do so.  Overcoming obstacles and making impacts was my job and I was getting recognized for it.

My supervisor suggested I may want to consider taking some systems engineering training. He mentioned down the road that may become the next career growth opportunity and wondered how I felt about it.  The look on my face did not seem enthusiastic about becoming a systems engineer.  Yet, I was so happy to have a boss who cares about my growth and future.  I was happier than before for having made this recent career move.  My pervious boss not only did not care about my future career goals, he hardly knew what I was working on.  While we were on the subject of training, I asked his idea about leadership classes.  I guess I personally am more interested in having and practicing leadership qualities.  He said you have natural leadership tendencies, and thought I may benefit more from systems engineering.  It was good to hear from my new boss in my new role that I am doing okay in leadership and am a natural, what I often feared to be the most challenging part of this job. I am glad he identified a weaker skill set in me that was not obvious to myself.  Paying more attention to systems engineering principles will make me a better project manager and I have to act on his constructive feedback.

Then, he warned me to watch for how much work I take on.  That the program manager is difficult to work with.  He said "you have a tendency to please", no kidding I thought.  At some point you have to define a clear boundary around your system and refuse to take on more responsibilities, he said.
My boss warning me not to do too much work?  I can handle that!

I am so grateful to have such a wise and caring supervisor!

Dream Jobs

We may often hear friends and relatives talking about their dream lifestyles and jobs.  In this high tech, fast paced society, many crave for peace and tranquility in remote and less crowded areas.  I have heard friends yearning to have a bed and breakfast, a small restaurant or cafe on a major interstate or intercity highway, and the most popular of all to the point of it becoming a joke among Iranians, to have a kabobi place of our own.  But how many are really serious about their dreams and really want those images become reality?  Today, I saw an update from an old classmate of mine in graduate school on linkedin that shocked me, inspired me, dropped my jaw in awe and respect for her, and at the same time saddened me!  I have mixed feelings about this:

A PhD in Computer Science has left computer industry to own her own farm in Michigan!  She says in her profile after years of being in the computer industry, I have chosen a lifestyle that is more connected to nature, is organic and sustainable, an alpaca farm!  What she did does take a lot of courage: going from the comfort zone of a desk job to dealing with and relying on mother nature for a living.  Her animal herd count is 7.  She has an online store of handmade products for sale.  I am happy she made her dream reality. I am sad for the academic and technical world to lose a PhD in her field!  What percentage of people in the world get the opportunity to receive all the trainings and education she did?  Who will help train the next generation of scientists and engineers if PhDs persue careers such as running a farm, a restaurant, or becoming a homemaker as another friend of mine with a PhD in computer science called it after she got married!  I am sure their education helps them in different aspects of their lives, but is not their choices a huge loss for the scientific community?

I too have some dreams of my own.  I hope I have the courage to pursue them.  Sadly, it may be very hard for me to take that risk, though for a good reason: I like my job.  My dream independent work, if becoming reality, will be very rewarding and yet very time consuming and exhausting.  My dream does not involve nature or food industry.  It involves human beings! And that makes it most complicated.

سهراب سپهرى

امروز آخر هفته بعد از عيد شكرگزارى در آمريكا است.  از آنجايى كه خيلى ديدارها در اين عيد كه پنجشنبه بود، تازه شد، شنبه نسبتا آرام و ساكتى دارم.  بعد از مدت ها رفتم سراغ كتابخانه ام تا از اين آرامش براى مطالعه استفاده كنم.  نگاهى به كتابهاى شعرم انداختم و فكر كردم بد نيست كمى شعر بخوانم، كه چشمم به هشت كتاب سهراب سپهرى افتاد.   ناگهان متوجه شدم، يا يادم افتاد، كه من ديشب خواب اين صحنه از كتابخانه ام را ديده بودم. من ديشب در حقيقت خواب سهراب سپهرى را ديده بودم كه در خانه من مهمان بود.  و من به او كتابخانه ام را نشان داده بودم و به او گفتم، ببين، كتابت اينجاست! همين يك صحنه را فقط يادم هست.  خيلى به نظرم خواب عجيبى است كه كسى را كه هرگز ملاقات نكرده ام ديدم و با او صحبت كردم.  شايد از ديشب در خواب در فكر بودم كه امروز بايد شعر بخوانم!

الكى

نامجو يك آهنگى داره به نام الكى، راجع به كارها و حرف ها و هدف هاى الكى آدم ها به طور كل، و يا شايد ايرانيان به طور خاص.

 يك مورد كه بايد به اين ليست اضافه كرد التيماتم ها و يا بلف هاى الكى، و يا يك دستى زدن هايى است كه آدمها اميد واهى دارند كه الكى بگيره و فكر نميكنند كه اگر نگرفت، الكى خودشون زندگى خودشون رو به هم ميزنند وقتى كه واقعا قصد نداشتند پاش بايستند.

يكى مشكل داره تو زندگيش، به جاى اينكه بگه مشكلش چيه، يا چيكار ميتونه بكنه اون را حل كنه، يا چه كار انتظار داره طرف  مقابل انجام بده، كه اين مشكل حل بشه، هى الكى ميگه من طلاق ميخواهم.  بعد كه حكم طلاق رو ميگيره،  دمار از روزگار طرف در مياره.  بماند كه اگر بچه هايى هم در كار باشند سر ترفند ها و تهديد هاى الكى والدينشون زندگى شون عوض ميشه.

كسى هنوز صلاحيت يا سابقه كافى در كارش نداره، به رييسش التيماتم ميده كه اگر به من فلان امتياز يا ترفيع را ندهيد، در اين كار نميمانم. كارفرما هم به دلايلى از اين كار صرف نظر ميكند، و فرد به خاطر حرف خودش مجبور ميشه كارش رو ول كنه، بدون داشتن جايگذين بهترى يا حتى برابرى و چه بسا ماهها طول بكشه تا كار جديدى  پيدا كنه، در صورتى كه از همون چند ماه ميتوانست براى پيشرفت و رشد در كارش استفاده كنه.

دو نفر با هم هستند، همه اهميت و معناى رابطه شون در اين  ارزيابى ميشه كه ازدواج ميكنند يا نه.  بعد براى اينكه كمكشون كنند به اين هدف برسند، آدمها نصايح الكى ميكنند:  تهديدش كن بگو اگر ازدواج نكنى، ميرم با يكى ديگه يا برو با يكى ديگه، حسودى ميكنه.  يكى نيست بگه اگر كسى بخواهد برود با كس ديگرى مگر كسى جلوش رو گرفته؟ يا مرض داره در رابطه بمونه اگر ميخواهد با كس ديگرى باشد؟ يا اگر كسى، كسى رو دوست داره، آيا ميخواهد آزارش بده و ناراحتش كنه،  اونم از قصد و با برنامه ريزى؟ خوب هر وقت خواست ميره و به قبل و بعد ازدواج هم ربطى ندارد.  بعد كافيه عشقشون از روى انسانيت و عشق بگه اگر اين رو ميخواهى، من نميخواهم مانع  رسيدن به اهداف زندگيت بشم.   بعد طرف هم توى رودربايستى يا لجبازى حرف الكى خودش گير ميكنه، رابطه اش رو به هم ميزنه و ميره پى زندگيش  وقتى واقعا چنين قصدى نداشته.

بعد معلوم نيست دوست داشتن و وجود يك نفر انقدر الكيه؟ بود و نبود اون نفر در زندگى شما هيچ ارزشى نداره؟

يا ارزش وجود خودتون انقدر كم و الكيه كه به زور و كلك بخواهيد كسى را وادار به بودن با شما كنيد؟

از حرف هاى الكى ديگه اينه كه يكى هزار و يك مشكل با خودش داره، به جاى اينكه فشار روش بذارن روى خودش كار كنه، كمك و درمان حرفه اى بگيره، ميگن كاش زن بگيره  يا شوهر كنه حالش خوب شه.  انگار آدمها قرص و دارو هستند.  اون خانوم  يا آقاى مجهول انسان نيست؟ 

چقدر حرف الكى آخه؟  ماشالا همه هم تحصيلكرده و خواهان حقوق مساوى هستند، اون هم الكى.

Make sure your kids know

To all parents out there:

Please please do not lose a chance to express your love and care to your kids. Hug them, kiss them, hold them tight, tell them you love them.  If you get upset and tired and say something less than kind, apologize to them.  Ask for their forgiveness.  Make sure they know they are loved, valued, respected, and that no one can treat them without respect.  This good you do them today, saves them and you a lot of headaches in future.  They won't seek approvals from strangers. They won't feel not worthy of love and attention. They won't beg for love. They won't stay in unhealthy relationships. They will stand up for themselves.  They will be confident.  They will respect others' right and choices to live a happy and healthy life.  They won't doubt themselves and their inner voice.  Please please love your kids, be kind to them, love them and kiss them.  A world will be saved if every child is not only loved, but feels loved, just as they are.