الكى

نامجو يك آهنگى داره به نام الكى، راجع به كارها و حرف ها و هدف هاى الكى آدم ها به طور كل، و يا شايد ايرانيان به طور خاص.

 يك مورد كه بايد به اين ليست اضافه كرد التيماتم ها و يا بلف هاى الكى، و يا يك دستى زدن هايى است كه آدمها اميد واهى دارند كه الكى بگيره و فكر نميكنند كه اگر نگرفت، الكى خودشون زندگى خودشون رو به هم ميزنند وقتى كه واقعا قصد نداشتند پاش بايستند.

يكى مشكل داره تو زندگيش، به جاى اينكه بگه مشكلش چيه، يا چيكار ميتونه بكنه اون را حل كنه، يا چه كار انتظار داره طرف  مقابل انجام بده، كه اين مشكل حل بشه، هى الكى ميگه من طلاق ميخواهم.  بعد كه حكم طلاق رو ميگيره،  دمار از روزگار طرف در مياره.  بماند كه اگر بچه هايى هم در كار باشند سر ترفند ها و تهديد هاى الكى والدينشون زندگى شون عوض ميشه.

كسى هنوز صلاحيت يا سابقه كافى در كارش نداره، به رييسش التيماتم ميده كه اگر به من فلان امتياز يا ترفيع را ندهيد، در اين كار نميمانم. كارفرما هم به دلايلى از اين كار صرف نظر ميكند، و فرد به خاطر حرف خودش مجبور ميشه كارش رو ول كنه، بدون داشتن جايگذين بهترى يا حتى برابرى و چه بسا ماهها طول بكشه تا كار جديدى  پيدا كنه، در صورتى كه از همون چند ماه ميتوانست براى پيشرفت و رشد در كارش استفاده كنه.

دو نفر با هم هستند، همه اهميت و معناى رابطه شون در اين  ارزيابى ميشه كه ازدواج ميكنند يا نه.  بعد براى اينكه كمكشون كنند به اين هدف برسند، آدمها نصايح الكى ميكنند:  تهديدش كن بگو اگر ازدواج نكنى، ميرم با يكى ديگه يا برو با يكى ديگه، حسودى ميكنه.  يكى نيست بگه اگر كسى بخواهد برود با كس ديگرى مگر كسى جلوش رو گرفته؟ يا مرض داره در رابطه بمونه اگر ميخواهد با كس ديگرى باشد؟ يا اگر كسى، كسى رو دوست داره، آيا ميخواهد آزارش بده و ناراحتش كنه،  اونم از قصد و با برنامه ريزى؟ خوب هر وقت خواست ميره و به قبل و بعد ازدواج هم ربطى ندارد.  بعد كافيه عشقشون از روى انسانيت و عشق بگه اگر اين رو ميخواهى، من نميخواهم مانع  رسيدن به اهداف زندگيت بشم.   بعد طرف هم توى رودربايستى يا لجبازى حرف الكى خودش گير ميكنه، رابطه اش رو به هم ميزنه و ميره پى زندگيش  وقتى واقعا چنين قصدى نداشته.

بعد معلوم نيست دوست داشتن و وجود يك نفر انقدر الكيه؟ بود و نبود اون نفر در زندگى شما هيچ ارزشى نداره؟

يا ارزش وجود خودتون انقدر كم و الكيه كه به زور و كلك بخواهيد كسى را وادار به بودن با شما كنيد؟

از حرف هاى الكى ديگه اينه كه يكى هزار و يك مشكل با خودش داره، به جاى اينكه فشار روش بذارن روى خودش كار كنه، كمك و درمان حرفه اى بگيره، ميگن كاش زن بگيره  يا شوهر كنه حالش خوب شه.  انگار آدمها قرص و دارو هستند.  اون خانوم  يا آقاى مجهول انسان نيست؟ 

چقدر حرف الكى آخه؟  ماشالا همه هم تحصيلكرده و خواهان حقوق مساوى هستند، اون هم الكى.

Make sure your kids know

To all parents out there:

Please please do not lose a chance to express your love and care to your kids. Hug them, kiss them, hold them tight, tell them you love them.  If you get upset and tired and say something less than kind, apologize to them.  Ask for their forgiveness.  Make sure they know they are loved, valued, respected, and that no one can treat them without respect.  This good you do them today, saves them and you a lot of headaches in future.  They won't seek approvals from strangers. They won't feel not worthy of love and attention. They won't beg for love. They won't stay in unhealthy relationships. They will stand up for themselves.  They will be confident.  They will respect others' right and choices to live a happy and healthy life.  They won't doubt themselves and their inner voice.  Please please love your kids, be kind to them, love them and kiss them.  A world will be saved if every child is not only loved, but feels loved, just as they are.

Empathy vs Accountability

I am struggling with concepts of empathy and accountability.  Please bare with me as I explain my dilemma, and then help me with any suggestions or thoughts you may have.

As humans, at the very least, we cannot neglect pain of others.  We cannot be comfortable and at ease, when our own is in trouble.  The closer the connection and kinship of the person in trouble, the greater is our pain.  Sa'adi, the Persian poet, said nicely that one is not worthy of the 'human' title, if one does not empathize with other human beings.  It seems like, scientifically he has a point and most of us have mirror neurons: being able to place ourselves in someone else's shoes and feel their emotions to some extent.

Then, there is the concept of accountability: one is responsible for their own actions and its results. There are things we cannot control, like hurricanes, earthquake, or natural disasters in general, not considering the recent scientific claims that humans contribute to global climate change.  Or, we cannot control the type of family, country, or conditions we were born into.  Our thoughts, our words, our actions, we have a much better chance of controlling.

Then, imagine this scenario: a person is walking or running fast.  You know there is a big hole, or cliff, straight ahead.  You warn him/her: slow down, stop, change direction, you may fall into a big hole, or jump off the cliff, watch out!  Then s/he does not acknowledge or thank you for the heads up, or even take you seriously.  Even worse, gets offended. S/he says: you think I am blind?  I would not see in front of me? or am I stupid? Choosing my path unwisely, or without knowledge and research?  You tell them you did not mean to offend them, that you were just concerned and felt it was your duty to warn them and let them know.  They say, if I need advice or your opinion, I will ask for it.  Otherwise, it is rude to offer it.  You apologize and move on.  A while passes.  The person continues their path.  They do jump off the cliff, or fall into that deep hole, and who do they call first to rescue them?  You.  You empathize.  Help them out, stay with them while they are hurt, trying to put back their broken pieces together.  You can never tell them I told you so, because it is insensitive.  You can only hope they learn a lesson, that they may act and choose wiselier in future, or at least pause to hear you out. Unfortunately, they soon forget the pain and harm they caused themselves.  They repeat the same old cycle.  They ignore your warnings again.  They always expect you to be there and rescue them.  In fact, they call you selfish and self-centered if over time they feel the distance, lack of unconditional help and support. And you wonder, what are limits and boundaries of empathizing and holding people accountable?  Who is to hold anyone accountable anyways?  Is it your place or job?  If not, are you always to empathize, help, rescue, and pay for others' mistakes?  Is there a limit and condition on empathy?

Zero Attention Span

I email summary of an analysis to a program manager and include the details in a spreadsheet that is attached to my email.  I mention in the email: please see the attachment for breakdowns of the results and analysis.

I receive a response: please prepare a spreadsheet with breakdowns, a sample is attached.

I respond: such a spreadsheet was attached to my previous email, did you see it?

She responds: if you could breakdown each component there it would be great (she is implying I did see and opened it, but it does not have the details I am looking for).

I reattach the same spreadsheet in my next email: please see the attachments.  I have all sub components included and I name such subcomponents.  Please let me know what I am missing. (meaning, while my persistence made you open the attachment, you yet did not read the content).

Silence.  An apology would have been nice!  Or even better, a few moments to pause, to read the message in its entirety, acknowledge the work that is done and received, try to understand it, question parts that are not understood, before hitting response and attacking the person for not doing their job.

As much as I try to send short emails on each topic to the point, still my message is not communicated to the other side.  It is sent but not really received.  We are turning into a generation with zero attention span.

Full Stop

You are working on deadlines, making plans and budgets line up and work.  Emails and phone calls are going back and forth on the goal.  You receive a call from the guy you are working with closely.  You think it is another round of information seeking, negotiating, or some other usual business.  Then he says:  J passed away last night!  Life stops. Life demands you to slow down, no to stop, and to think.  Deadlines have no importance nor meaning anymore.

زمين خوردن

پسر با پدر در خيابان راه ميرفتند.  آن طرف خيابان دو كودك، كه خواهر و برادر بودند، راه ميرفتند.  آن پسر ميخورد زمين و گريه ميكند.  خواهرش او را بلند ميكند و دلدارى ميدهد.  پسر نظاره گر به پدرش ميگويد: كاش من هم يك خواهر داشتم كه وقتى زمين ميخوردم بلندم ميكرد.

سالها بعد پدر اين را به دخترش ميگويد كه اين برادرت چقدرتو را ميخواسته و سفارش داده. 

در بزرگسالى خواهر كوچكتر از برادر بزرگتر و انتخاب هايش كه منجر به شكستهاى پياپى ميشود، عصبانى ميشود.  فكر ميكند بالاخره با سرش به سنگ خوردن بايد يك چيزى يك بار ياد بگيرد.  مادرش ميگويد، وقتى كسى افتاده بايد دستش را گرفت تا دوباره بتواند روى پايش بايستد.  خواهر كوچكتر ميفهمد كه برادرش زمين خورده و كار او بلند كردنش هست. خواهر كوچكتر چه ميدانست چه بدجور برادر بزرگش در زندگى زمين ميخورد.  حداقل برادر در بچگى خوب عاقل بوده..

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I wrote this story, and the process of writing made the same ancient dilemma and battle of cultures and world views within me more clear.  Why did not the parents tell the boy that you have all the love you need without a sister?  That you can rise and stand up on your own feet when faced with hardships if you equip yourself with life skills.  Why parents and later himself did not build the necessary self-confidence.  Why is not the sister told and reminded that while you can help others when asked, if you wish, you are not responsible for other people's choices and life.  That you are responsible only for your actions, choices, and life.  Why?

Numbers do not lie,

...humans do!

It amazes me.  So often all it takes for people to believe a sentence and statement one makes, is to just plot a graph, put some captions around it, and claim a conclusion.  Many people immediately like or accept that statement as a fact, even when the plot has no captions for the horizontal and vertical axises, even when they do not know what the data points they are looking at are.

A few may ask questions about the data, its meaning, and source and some be satisfied with the results, but yet only a few go far enough without giving up to reveal the flaws or even just to understand them.

It saddens me that sometimes scientists choose to look at the data the way it helps them make their case.

For example, I saw a support letter a scientist wrote in support of some summer educational program, which is good to support do not get me wrong.  She said, last year we had X number of positions in  field Y which were not filled, and it clearly shows a shortage of students in  field Y.  She fails to see that a few of those X number of positions had more than X number of applicants in field Y.  That those applicants could easily be pointed to those positions that were not filled.  That this fact does not signal a shortage necessarily, rather those other positions being offered late after all summer students had planned their summer elsewhere, that maybe those positioned were not advertised well, maybe Human Resources did not act on them in a timely manner and a million other things.