I am struggling with concepts of empathy and accountability. Please bare with me as I explain my dilemma, and then help me with any suggestions or thoughts you may have.
As humans, at the very least, we cannot neglect pain of others. We cannot be comfortable and at ease, when our own is in trouble. The closer the connection and kinship of the person in trouble, the greater is our pain. Sa'adi, the Persian poet, said nicely that one is not worthy of the 'human' title, if one does not empathize with other human beings. It seems like, scientifically he has a point and most of us have mirror neurons: being able to place ourselves in someone else's shoes and feel their emotions to some extent.
Then, there is the concept of accountability: one is responsible for their own actions and its results. There are things we cannot control, like hurricanes, earthquake, or natural disasters in general, not considering the recent scientific claims that humans contribute to global climate change. Or, we cannot control the type of family, country, or conditions we were born into. Our thoughts, our words, our actions, we have a much better chance of controlling.
Then, imagine this scenario: a person is walking or running fast. You know there is a big hole, or cliff, straight ahead. You warn him/her: slow down, stop, change direction, you may fall into a big hole, or jump off the cliff, watch out! Then s/he does not acknowledge or thank you for the heads up, or even take you seriously. Even worse, gets offended. S/he says: you think I am blind? I would not see in front of me? or am I stupid? Choosing my path unwisely, or without knowledge and research? You tell them you did not mean to offend them, that you were just concerned and felt it was your duty to warn them and let them know. They say, if I need advice or your opinion, I will ask for it. Otherwise, it is rude to offer it. You apologize and move on. A while passes. The person continues their path. They do jump off the cliff, or fall into that deep hole, and who do they call first to rescue them? You. You empathize. Help them out, stay with them while they are hurt, trying to put back their broken pieces together. You can never tell them I told you so, because it is insensitive. You can only hope they learn a lesson, that they may act and choose wiselier in future, or at least pause to hear you out. Unfortunately, they soon forget the pain and harm they caused themselves. They repeat the same old cycle. They ignore your warnings again. They always expect you to be there and rescue them. In fact, they call you selfish and self-centered if over time they feel the distance, lack of unconditional help and support. And you wonder, what are limits and boundaries of empathizing and holding people accountable? Who is to hold anyone accountable anyways? Is it your place or job? If not, are you always to empathize, help, rescue, and pay for others' mistakes? Is there a limit and condition on empathy?
Saturday, November 16, 2013
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6 comments:
Hi Nargess, without knowing the special case and the person you are writing about I would consider the following: If he/she is an adult (does not matter older or younger than yourself), people are responsible for the mistakes they are doing. If they disrespect your warning, if they think they know better, you have to accept this. Some people in fact want to fail ! We have a proverb that says: "Those who want to fall should be pushed." It is a complete different issue if you talk about children, or people who ask you for help or your advise, or people who obviously need your help. For those case, it would be severe neglectance not to warn them. But if as in the case you described somebody is too selfconfident to listen to your advise, it is better to let him/her experience the consequences themself. Thats the best form of teaching (much better than words).
I always find it very interesting how people here react if they watch somebody who ignores the trafic law. If a pedestrian crosses the street at a red traffic light, some people use to warn him with real concern. The other sort of people wait until he/she crossed the street, and start to complain about him. Sometimes I got the feeling that the second type of people are just disappointed the the one who crossed the street at a red light arrived at the other side healthy, and not been run over by a car (what according to their philosophy would be the righteous punishment).
best regards
Michael
Thank you Michael for caring and taking the time. The dilemma is: they are first too self-confident, I accept it, they face the consequences, then they become the second group you mentioned: asking for help and desperately needing help and worse, blaming others for not being there for them and leaving them alone. At the end, there is so little you can do to change the situation. Even witnessing their failure and pain, listening to their story, is so hard and painful to tolerate especially when dealing with family members.
Dear Nargess, honestly, I think you spend much too much of your precious thoughts and time for people who dont deserve this. How you describe your experience with these folks, it sounds really frustrating. I think the only logical think would be to develop some distance to them, and look for others who are more respectful. I think you expect a lot of the people you meet at work, you perhaps expect that they automtically share with you the same values of honesty, respect, empathy, or intelligence. But this in fact is very unlikely, because people come together at work pretty accidentally, quite contrary to people one choses as friends or partners. If the folks at work are too annoying, simply close your eyes and think about something nice.
best greetings, michael
Thanks Michael for your kindness. Luckily, work is my sanctuary and I have nice colleagues, and even if not, norms of work place and ethics rules. I have nice friends and try to associate myself with people I respect. I learned what you said above many years ago, thank God and since then I am very selective of my choices and relationships. Unfortunately, my brother is going through a very tough time. It is hard for me to accept I cannot help him, even though there is very little I can do at this point. Yet, maybe creating some distance be more helpful to both of us. I feel guilty and not comfortable to do that.
Hi Nargess, sorry for all the platitudes I wrote above. It is of course a completely different thing if you talk about a close relative or very good friend. I can imagine how hard it is to feel that even trying very hard, help does not fall on a fertile ground.
Michael
Hi Michael, no apology needed, I appreciate your time and care.
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