زندانی

ویزای همه کشورهای دنیا رو هم که داشته باشی‌، بچه هم که نداشته باشی‌، مستقل هم که باشی‌، مجرد هم که باشی‌، وقتی‌ شرایط و افراد دیگر کنترل زندگیت رو در دست دارند، اسیر و زندانی هستی‌.

بهشت آنجاست که آزاری نباشد،

کسی‌ را با کسی‌ کاری نباشد.

Possessive and Insecure

I was walking in a new neighborhood. I was trying to locate an address. I spent few minutes and failed. So, I thought I would ask a passer by. I see a couple approaching me. The guy notices me first, so I start talking to him: "excuse me". The woman jumps in front of him quickly, and starts talking to me. She gave me directions. I could not help thinking about how protective of her partner she was, and how rude her body language was. As if I was going to steal her partner, pick him up, and take him with me right there in the street.

-----------------------

I was at a conference. It was the first round table lunch. A young lady sat next to me. Like all conferences, we exchanged greetings, information about our institutes, research areas, etc. First I was happy that a successful professional was so kindly getting to know me. After all, maybe we became good friends. Then, I noticed she was interested in learning about me at a more personal level: how many years I have been in the states, if I had family here, where I did my under graduate studies, etc. A few minutes passed, and I felt this did not sound like my typical first conversations at conferences when meeting new people. Then she asked a question indicating she knew I was originally from Iran. I paused. "I never told you I was from Iran, how come you asked this?", I wondered. "I saw you yesterday talking to my Iranian friends in Farsi", she said. It all came together. She had noticed me before I had even met her. She made it her mission to come sit next to me for lunch to figure out all about me. After all, who was I shaking hands and introducing myself to a guy I had met for the first time in my life, who she happened to like so much?

She continued being sensitive to me during the rest of the conference, and it was getting on my nerves. My sole existence bothered her. She tried her best to be nice. I never saw anyone happier when saying goodbye to me. "You are leaving?", she asked happily. Did she think I planned on moving to a new city just because of a conference? Did not she realize we were all passengers who had to co-exist in the same place just for a few days?

-----------------------

I understand they are sensitive. I understand they may be in love. I understand jealousy is a natural feeling. What I do not understand is what gives them the right to offend me, to hurt me, the very first time they meet me in their lives, before they even know my name, to treat me as if I have no moral values, no principles. I felt sorry for them: They were trying so hard to protect something they did not have.

Priceless Moments

Sleepover.

Victoria: "Aunt Nargess?!"
Me: "Yes?".
Victoria: "Do you have a flash light?"
Me: "Yes, why?"
Victoria: "We can play flash light tag, and tell spooky stories at night".
Me: "Spooky stories chie? We will have a pillow fight!".
Natalie, Victoria: "Yeaahhhh!".
Natalie: "Aunt Nargess!?"
Me: "Yes?"
Natalie: "Can we have pillow fight now?"
Me: "We will have it when we sleep".
Natalie: "Aunt Nargess?!"
Me: "Yes?"
Natalie: "Can we sleep now?"
Me: "I am not ready yet, it is early"
Natalie: "But we are ready ...".
----------------------------------------
Trying to fall sleep:

Victoria: "Aunt Nargess?!"
Me: "Yes?"
Victoria: "Can we have toast and Nutella for breakfast tomorrow?"
Me: "Yes".
Victoria: "Aunt Nargess?!"
Me: "Yes?"
Victoria: "I love you".
Me: "I love you too honey".

----------------------------------------
In the morning....

Victoria: "Aunt Nargess?!"
Me: "Yes?"
Victoria: "I am hungry".
Me: "Ok, we will have breakfast soon".
Victoria: "What time is breakfast?"
Me after looking at the clock, God it is just 7:35 am on a Sunday: "8 o'clock".
-------------------------------------------------------
At breakfast table:

Natalie: "Aunt Nargess!?"
Me: "Yes?"
Natalie: "I miss you".
Me: "I am right here honey, in front of you!".
Natalie: "Excuse me one moment, I will be right back".
She goes to the other room, where I could not see her.
She called: "Aunt Nargess!?".
Me: "Yes!?"
Natalie: "I miss you!"
------------------------------------------------------
After breakfast:

Natalie: "Aunt Nargess?!"
Me: "Yes?"
Natalie: "Can we go to the park together?"
Me: "Yes".
I thought for a bit and continued:
"But you have to play with each other, I cannot run around and play with you".
Natalie frowned, and went to the study:
"We are not coming out until you say you will play with us!".
I continued checking emails and using the silence.
Natalie opens the door: "Aunt Nargess?!"
Me: "Yes?"
Natalie: "Can you please say that because we really want to come out".

-------------------------------------------------------
After the park, the kids were watching cartoons, I had the computer on my lap, and Victoria is sitting behind me on the coach, acting as a hair dresser and playing with my hair.

Victoria: "aunt Nargess! You have a white hair!".
Natalie: "Victoria, she is too young to have white hair!".
"Well, she does.", Victoria responded as she pulled out that strand of hair as evidence and held it in the air.
Me: "Yes honey, I do. Thanks for pointing that out."
-------------------------------------------------------
The next day, I open my drawer to take out a shirt. There is a letter on top:
"Dear Aunt Nargess,
.... I miss you with all my heart. .... eat healthy.
I love you. I'll be thinking of you.
Love, Natalie."
... and I start the day with a smile, not knowing how on earth I deserve this.

Met Expectations*

I had the office to myself for three weeks. I enjoyed the peace and managed to do a lot. My officemate was back from his vacation just in time for the football season. I sure did not look forward to the guys' discussion on their fantasy football brackets and analysis of games before and after lunch time.

It was his first day back, after lunch time. He came back to the office, with some of the other guys following him. I was used to this by now. They would talk a few minutes to end a discussion, or just to linger their fun time. I thought naturally they had more to talk about, catching up for the three weeks. However, I could see my officemate was trying to get rid of his friend, while they were both laughing. "Where is it? Is it here?", the other guy asked. "There is nothing here, I promise you", my officemate repeated while laughing. I entered the game of giving my officemate a hard time "what are you looking for, maybe I know where it is". Finally, my officemate could get rid of the annoying colleagues. A few minutes passed and we were working in silence.

He broke the silence: "I wanted to tell you first this morning, but you left for a meeting". It sounded serious. "I proposed when I was in India", he said. "Congratulations!", I said with a smile. I was surprised I was not surprised! I think I surprised him too. I had seen so many of my Indian friends going to India and coming back with a wife that deep down I knew one time he comes back from India he will have such an announcement. Apparently, he had surprised himself too. It was not an arranged marriage like most cases, but traditional for sure.

He had met this girl in a party, really liked her, kept talking to her during his stay, and he felt he will be losing something if he did not try his chance. He said "I had to ask her, if she said no, I knew at least I tried, but she said Yes!". Here I was, listening to this colleague and friend of over seven years, telling me he is getting married to a girl he met three weeks ago for the first time in his life. He had also got the parents' approval and had some sort of ceremony indicating they are now together. "The time difference is the worst part, I can call her at night, but I do not want to wake her up early in the morning", he continued. "Call her before coming to work", I suggested. "But when I wake up, I just want to get out and come to work, I do not feel like talking in the morning", he said. "You know, she is going to be there every morning", I said. He held his head with both hand "Oh, no, do not remind me", we were both laughing. "You have no idea what you have done, do you?", I asked jokingly. "No, I have no idea what I have done", he admitted as he was laughing. "And then there are all these emails coming, I think they want to know the date of the wedding to start planning for the party, and I am like, I do not know, I just proposed." I knew his real problem. He did not know how to handle all those emails from the girl and her parents and relatives. He is not good with emails even for work. He prefers meetings or phone calls. When he has to respond to the management, he has a hard time coming up with sentences. He often first writes one or two lines, asks me to read it over just to tell him if it would be appropriate or not, or to suggest how to edit it. I continued: "tell them I do not like emails, and I do not feel like talking on the phone in the mornings, see you in six months at the wedding", as we were both giggling. We even went over a related sitcom's episode, as we usually do about any event from printer jams to memos in our office. "This is so much fun", I could hardly stop laughing. "Wait, your time will come too!", he responded. And that is how we celebrated a new beginning in our office.

* Our performance appraisal has different categories including "fails to meet expectations","meets expectations", "meets and exceeds expectations", etc.

خانه آباد!

بد‌ترین کاری که تا به حال داشتم، وقتی‌ بود که در زمان دانشجویی در یک شرکت تلفنی جواب تلفن مشتری‌ها رو میدادم. من جواب دو خط فارسی‌ و انگلیسی رو میدادم. هچ کس هم که تلفن نمی‌‌کرد بگه، به به چقدر سرویس شما خوبه، خسته نباشید. همه یا صورت حسابشون اشتباه بود، یا سرویسشون قطع شده بود یا درست کار نمیکرد. خلاصه هر کس یک جور عصبانی بود و گله ایی داشت. بعضی‌‌ها هم هنوز سلام نکرده، داد و بیداد راه می‌‌انداختند و دعوا داشتند، و یا بر عکس بعد از یک بار تماس به حد آزار دهنده‌ای دوستانه میشدند و ول نمی‌کردند. ما هم هیچ وقت اجازه نداشتیم تلفن رو روی مشتری قطع کنیم. البته خوب کارمند‌ها هم صبرشون حدی داشت. بعضی‌‌ها به قیمت از دست دادن کارشون، یا با این تصمیم که دیگه حاضر به ادامه اون کار نیستند، جواب طرف رو میدادند و تلفن رو محکم میکوبیدند.

یکی‌ از اون روزها طبق معمول تلفن‌ها رو پشت سر هم جواب میدادم. روی خط فارسی‌، خانومی زنگ زده بود که از همون سلام علیکش فهمیدم افغانی بود، و نه ایرانی. چند تا تلفن بین المللی داشت که هی‌ در دقیقه اول قطع شده بودند، و هزينه هاى ايجاد ارتباط اوليه الکی‌ الکی‌ روی هم جمع شده بودند. صورت حسابش رو چندین بار مرور کردم و هرچی‌ رو که می‌تونستم به حسابش برگردوندم. شاید کلا ۱۰ دلاری بهش پس دادم. این خانوم خیلی‌ خوش حال شد و از من تشکر کرد، و موقع خدا حافظی به من گفت "خانه آباد"! خیلی‌ به دلم چسبید، و خستگی‌ از تنم در رفت. یکی‌ از زیباترین دعا هایی بود که کسی‌ برایم کرده بود، و میدونم در اون زمان برای او که افغانی بود چقدر پر معنا بود.

این روز ها، صبح‌ها که به اداره رانندگی‌ می‌کنم، توی رادیو اغلب از اوضاع افغانستان و انتخاباتی که در پیش دارند گزارش هایی پخش میکنند. حس عجیبی‌ دارم وقتی‌ صدای مردم رو توی زمینه به فارسی‌ میشنوم. اون‌ها از آینده، امید، سازندگی، و دوران نقاهت مملکتشون پس از دوران طالبان حرف میزنند. هنرمندانشون بعد از مدتها راحت آهنگ میخونند، میرقصند، و در استادیوم هایی که مردم در زمان طالبان به دار آویخته می‌‌شدند، جشن میگیرند. امیدوارم انتخابات آنها به سلامتی و درستی‌ برگزار بشه. امیدوارم امیدشون ناامید نشه. دوست دارم به اون خانوم، و دوستان دیگر افغانی بگویم "خانه آباد". خانه ما هم آباد!

نداى آزادى

سال سوم رياضى، دبيرستان نداى آزادى. دو سه ماه از سال تحصيلى گذشته بود و ما هنوز معلم جبر نداشتيم. جبر درس اصلى ما بود و همه در حال آماده شدن براى كنكور سال بعد در دبيرستان نمونه مردمى! بالاخره پس از نوشتن نامه ها به مدير مدرسه، و در خواست رسيدگى و نشنيدن جوابى، صبر ما به سر رسيد و روزى تصميم گرفتيم صبح از سر صف به كلاس نرويم تا مدير مدرسه با ما حرف بزند و مشكل ما را حل كند.

روز موعود فرا رسيد. ناظم اعلام كرد: سه دو! "ما با خانوم مدير كار داريم!"، نماينده كلاس گفت. "خانوم بفرماييد سر كلاس!"، يك بار، دو بار، سه بار اين مكالمه تكرار شد. كلاس دومى ها و اولى ها رفتند سر كلاس. سه يك و سه دو، سر پا، در حياط ايستادند. يك ساعت گذشت. مدير به حياط نيامد. بعد اسم ها تك تك به دفتر صدا زده شدند. دوستان با يك برگه خروجى مى آمدند بيرون. لطف كرده بودند محترمانه اخراجمان ميكردند. براى اينكه اخراجى در پرونده مان ثبت نشود ، ميگفتند كه مثلا ما به خاطر تغير خانه تقاضاى تعويض مدرسه مان را كرده ايم. اميد داشتند ما بترسيم و پشيمان شويم. ما اون روز تا آخرين زنگ در حياط ايستاديم.

نه مدير آمد ببيند درد ما چيست نه ناظم پا در ميانى ميكرد: "ما براى امنيت كشور هم كه شده بايد چند تا از شما ها رو اخراج كنيم!"، خانوم ناظم فرمودند. عجب! ما انقدر مهم بوديم و پر قدرت، و خبر نداشتيم! "شما رو آمريكا تحريك كرده"، اين خانوم ادامه دادند. ما هم با بچه ها مى خنديديم و مى گفتيم "آره، ديشب بيلى جون خودش بهم زنگ زد"! مدير محترم تنها كارى كه كردند به اداره آموزش و پرورش منطقه تلفن كردند، اين شورش را گزارش دادند، و از فردا دم در مدرسه ما مامور انتظامى با تفنگ ايستاد، تا ديگه ما باشيم از اين غلط ها نكنيم و معلم جبر نخواهيم. شاگرد رشته رياضى را چه به معلم جبر داشتن؟! چه ادعاها!

امروز اسم دبيرستان من پر معنا تر شده. مردم به ياد ندا با نوشته هاى "نداى آزدى" به تظاهرات ميروند. نمى دانم امروز، بچه هاى نداى آزادى هم آيا نداى آزادى سر مى دهند؟ شايد همان اعتماد به نفسى كه اين اسم اون سال ها به ما مى داد، باعث بشه اين بار خواسته هايى بالا تر از معلم جبر را مطالبه كنند. امروز فيلم هاى خيابان عباس آباد و سهروردى را در آتش و شلوغى ديدم، و ياد نداى آزادى افتادم و صد ها بارى كه از عباس آباد و سهروردى واپادانا از مدرسه به خانه بر مى گشتم.

ريه هاى لذت پر اكسيژن مرگ است- سهراب سپهرى

هر نفسى كه فرو مى رود ممد حيات است و چون بر مى آيد، مفرح ذات. پس در هر نفسى دو نعمت موجود است و بر هر نعمتى شكرى واجب! -- سعدى

جنگى كه از اون جون سالم به در بردى، هر تصادف شديدى كه به خير گذشته، هر غده بد خيم كه به موقع به وجودش پى بردى و درش آوردى، هر فرود اضطرارى هواپيمايى كه ميتونست سقوط كنه، به تو ياد آورى ميكنه كه هنوز زنده اى. هر لحظه معجزه ايست، هر لبخند معجزه ايست، هر نگاه معجزه ايست. به شكرانه اين همه نفس زندگى را معنا كن.