On responsibility, accountability or blame game

Preface: Let it be noted that now we are living through the longest government shutdown in the U.S. history.  Finally, after weeks of not working, becoming a house wife, and caring for my son every day due to his preschool's closure, I realize I actually have time and the mental capacity and energy to once again reflect more on my life, and to perhaps actually write!  Anyways, I found this in my old drafts. The topic in question is still in back of my mind and worthy of reflections, thoughts, and learning more about.
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I have been struggling with a philosophical question for years. I have a difficult time deciding or finding what the right answer is. The topic is related to dealing with difficult people. These days there are so many sites, TV and radio programs, books, forums, etc. run by psychologists discussing different topics and answering many questions. Often times, when someone in a bad relationship calls,  having to deal with a difficult or troubled spouse, child, or sibling, the question comes up whether that person knows s/he needs professional help. If the answer is yes, then they ask if s/he is willing to seek that help, and then often times if the answer is no, one is advised to cut off ties with the troubled person.

There may be many reasons for someone yelling, not being able to manage their anger, being easily irritated, or being too sensitive: thyroid hormones not being in normal range, pms, postpartum depression, or simply depression, stress, anxiety, etc.

If hormones are not balanced, isn't the difficult person a victim and patient him/herself? Is it fair or right to hold them accountable for their actions and at the times they are weak, and to want them not only to have the will and energy to seek help but also to fix things? Is not expecting a depressed or in general severely ill person to take responsibility for his/her own health like expecting a car with flat tires or burned engine to drive itself to mechanic shop, seek help, pay for help, and return well? 

How much those suffering from actions of these troubled and difficult individuals are responsible for not helping them get the much needed help and to go through with any treatments such as therapy sessions or taking antidepressants, etc? Especially if that person does not welcome the suggestions and refuses to act on them?

Who is to blame? To what extent are we responsible for well being of our adult loved ones, when they refuse help, be it medical, mental, or financial?  If we are passing the responsibility to the person who is supposed to seek help, how much in reality can that person be held accountable for their actions if they are deficient in some hormones, vitamins,  wisdom or simply lacking a healthy balance in their bodies or minds?

خورشید گرفتگی

امروز که خورشید گرفت، دل من هم گرفت. دفعه قبل که خورشیدگرفتگی را مشاهده کرده بودم با پدرم در تهران به تپه های عباس آباد رفتیم. کی باورش میشد اگر کسی به من میگفت این همه، همه چیز عوض میشود، هم خوب هم بد. به هر حال خورشید هم که هر روز مایه حیات ما و هر آنچه روی زمین هست و بی شائبه به همه نور و انرژی میبخشد، هر از چند گاهی دوست دارد مرکز توجه عالمیان باشد و ناز کند و خودش را قایم کند. راستش را بخواهید، حق هم دارد. هر چه باشد مرکز منظومه شمسی ماست و همه دور او گردانیم. درعوض بعضی از ما آدمها فکر میکنیم مرکز دنیا هستیم و هر روز همه توجه ها باید‌بر ما باشد.

Image credit: NASA, taken from https://www.nasa.gov/images/content/706822main_20121113-totaleclipse-orig_full.jpg

Maryam

These days many in our community are thinking of Maryam Mirzakhani battling cancer. She is a genius mathematician, first female Fields Medalist in the world, a Stanford professor, member of National Academy of Sciences, and a mother. My sadness reminds me of a distant bittersweet and difficult time in her life and people who knew her. I remember emotions I felt vividly. I had just came to U.S. I picked up a local Persian newspaper from a Persian restaurant. I saw picture of the National Mathematics Olympiad team on the cover. I happily opened the newspaper to the related page to see if there is news of number of medals they won, or other similar achievements we were used to often hear about them. My joy quickly turned to sorrow as I read more. They were all in a fatal bus accident, when traveling to a camp in preparation for their international competitions. Each individuals image and name was still fresh in my memory from their TV interviews and newspaper reports. I wept and wept not having read the article to the end. Few days later, I revisited the article. As I read more, my sorrow diminished.  Maryam and a few others had survived that bus accident. I now read news articles about her fighting cancer. There must be a final line missing. That she has survived again. I am searching for that newspaper.

http://www.payvand.com/news/17/jul/1066.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maryam_Mirzakhani

Loss and Gain

Today I attended a workshop titled Navigating through Loss. It was about how people cope with loss, different emotions and behaviors one experiences due to loss, examples of what a loss can be, etc, definitions of bereavement, loss, grief, and mourning.  An interesting point that was mentioned there for me was that even happy life events, such as marriage, birth of a child, or their graduation can cause similar emotions and feelings because whenever there is a gain, something is lost.  That is so true, yet not acknowledged enough.  We lose our single independent life when we move in with a life partner and then we lose our partner to some extent when we have a child. Combine all these with some real life losses of other family members passing and you get a mess you do not know what/who to blame for! 

زندگی

یکی به‌عبادت و مسجد‌و‌خانقاه و یا کلیسا پناه میبرد، یکی به رقص و‌ می و‌میکده و خوشگذرانی، و یکی از‌دنیا‌ و‌آدمیان میبرد و‌ در‌ کنج خانه می‌نشیند. هر‌یک به گونه‌ای از زندگی‌ و‌ هر‌آنچه آن  به ارمغان میآورد، می گریزند.

Unappoachable?

I have noticed people who seem powerful, are so with a strategy: They are unapproachable. They do not have an open door friendly policy. You have to choose your words carefully and make sure you get the result you want from a very short interaction with them. Some are genuinely  so due to their position and their very many duties, but at their presence, however short, you feel welcomed and respected. I am not talking about them. I am talking about those powerful people that have an invisible bubble around them. You cannot get to them. You are intimidated by them and scared to talk openly with them.  You feel scared of them, and you sometimes find it easier not to approach them about different matters. They benefit from this. You may lose some benefits or you rights because you did not confronted these unapproachable people when you had to.  The truth is, they are more scared of you. They are waiting for your remarks and as soon as they sense the slightest hint, you quickly see their defensive responses and actions. So do not be afraid, speak up! What is the worst thing that can happen?

Check Boxes

I do not know if it is an American thing or a condition of modern age.  It seems like people are running around, following some pre-planned blue print, making sure they check some previously determined, often similar, items on their things to do before they die. Apart from the mandatory educational process that one has to go through to find or make their own place in the world, majority seem to be searching for their mates, some even aiming to find that person and settle down before a certain age, have their first child before a certain age, and then after the magically decided three years, have the second one. After having endured so many failed relationships and many many dates,  as soon as having their dream of a partner and a child, they look for opportunities to get rid of that child, or later even partner, any chance they get for minutes and hours or days here and there, as if s/he is a disease. In addition to necessary daycare or nanny arrangements to allow parents to work, they want sitters and grandparents, anything that would allow them to have a date night again.  It becomes unbelievable if a parent refuses a business trip to be with their baby, or refuses a late party for baby's sleep routine and comfort. It becomes hard to believe that a parent may actually enjoy the company of their baby more than the alternatives presented to them.  Friends and colleagues recommend getting a sitter to celebrate an occasion and night out, to get a break, not even occurring to them that mom and dad won't enjoy that celebration without their baby.  Along the way, most people buy a townhome and after a few years, a single home, and then once all the dust settles, all they want to do is to retire. Finally after 30-40 years of hard work, retirement comes along and they have to downsize the childless house they worked so hard to pay for and cannot maintain anymore and move to a condominium or retirement community, all that if they are lucky enough to still be together at that point. You wonder if they think about the meaning of all these boxes they check and whether they remember to smell the roses and enjoy everything along the way too.