Different Communication Styles Between Genders

The TMT class that I attended last month, started with a one hour video. The video was titled "The Power Dead Even Rule" by Dr. Heim. It was about how differently men and women communicate based on different invisible gender cultures since they grew up differently. For example, boys traditionally grew up playing games that have winners and losers. They are used to winning and losing. Women, on the other hand, do not care much for winning. After all, when playing with dolls, or playing games in which one is a teacher, doctor, mom, etc, it is hard to have winners and losers. I summarize some of what I have learned from this video as much as my memory helps. Note that there are always individuals who behave differently from the majority, but the speaker claims on average most men and women communicate as she explained.

1) Men are goal-oriented while women are process-oriented.

Suppose two employees have been given an assignment to evaluate several options and make their final recommendation to a board. If the employee is a female, she will most likely present her decision as follows: "I considered option A, but I do not think it is a good choice for reasons x, y, z. I also studied option B, but for reasons e, f, g, I dismissed it...., Therefore, I recommend option E". Men in the meeting will most likely think "when are we getting to the bottom of this, does she have a point?, etc". If the employee is a male, he most likely presents his decision like this: "I recommend option E". If asked why, then he justifies his choice.

A wife asks her husband which dress looks better on her. He says the one on the left! She feels dismissed. She does not need a final answer, she needs a discussion about why the one on the left and not the one on the right. So, she asks another question. He gives another one word answer. The man thinks like a hunter. He has been asked to solve a problem, he killed the dress. He is asked another question, he kills that too. He is solving problems one after another and she is not happy.

2) Men live in a hierarchical world and women live in a flat one.
Men accept hierarchies and their position and role within that hierarchy. Women regardless of their position try to flatten the hierarchy and build relationships. They expect this cultural flatness in their communications too. This is what Dr. Heim refers to as Power Dead Even Rule.

If a male boss tells a male employee "I need this report by tomorrow at my desk", he has no problem with it. If the boss, even a female one, says the same thing to a female employee, she thinks "who the hell s/he thinks s/he is?". Well, s/he is your boss! A female boss is more likely to exchange some greetings first, ask about how the employee is doing, and after building some relationship she would go, "By the way, I really appreciate it if I could have this report at my desk by tomorrow". A female employee will most likely get the report done by tomorrow, a male employee have heard everything the female boss said as "optional", for if it was urgent she would not be so nice and polite. The female has to struggle to make the request as dry and formal and ordering as possible for a male to feel its urgency, otherwise all he hears is "optional". For women, this is how all requests should be made, within some context, not out of the blue, nicely and politely. Women want to distribute the power evenly and thus it is hard to for them to talk within a hierarchy as their role in that hierarchy suggests they should.

Several other gender differences in communication were discussed, which you can read about them here. These differences show up in so many different contexts. In negotiations, women choose an option that makes everyone happy to some extent. They look for a win-win solution. They do not want to ruin any relationships. Men, look at the best option possible, a win-lose option, to take the most out of a deal. Similarly, women tend to avoid conflict and try to have a nice relationship with everyone while men take more risks.

Neither of these communication style are necessarily right or wrong in all situations. Rather being aware of these gender differences in communication styles help us communicate more effectively with each other.

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

The story of the "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly", based on a true story, is a moving one to say the least in so many different aspects, mainly in conveying the power of love, dedication, and patience. I have not read the book, but saw the movie a long time ago. I highly recommend it.

I do not want to give away the main story, rather just this very emotional scene, which I think easily brings tears to a woman's eyes. The main character is in the hospital and newly paralyzed. His lover, the mother of his kids, is at his bedside daily taking care of him. He does not care much for her though. He is waiting for the woman who he loves to visit him. She never does. His lover realizes this at his bed, feeds him while tears are covering her face.

How blind love makes us all, how blind.

دل به دل راه داره

هى به ما گفتن دل به دل راه داره. يادشون رفت بگن جادش لزوما دو طرفه نيست. چرا آخه دل مردم و خوش ميكنين؟ پس فردا كه چپ و راست تو اين جاده ها تصادف شد، شما مياين خرده شيشه هاى دلهاى شكسته رو جمع ميكنين؟

The Enigma of Survival

There are so many reminders every day about how fragile we human beings are.   When faced with life events, sometimes you wonder how much more as an individual or as a human on this planet can you really take?  We face diseases, car accidents, plane crashes, tsunamis, earthquakes, heartbreaks, loss of lives of dear ones,  volcanoes, oil spills, mine collapses, water leaks, explosions, wars, political turmoils, ..., the list goes on.  What keeps us going despite all this?  How is it even statistically possible for us to live as long as we do, or to be willing to carry on day after day?  I am baffled. As long as we are alive, we almost always seem to get passed different crisis somehow.  I look back at those times in my own life.  As alone as I might have felt during hard times, it must have been really for the people in my life who kept me sane.  Those who were there just to listen, to visit, to simply be there.  Maybe, that is what makes all the difference: being connected to other human beings.  We need to be kind to each other.  We simply won't survive otherwise.

معجزه صبح

سكوت دلنشين صبح كه با آواز گنجشكان روى درختان بهارى شكسته ميشود، نان و پنير و چايى شيرين، تصور اينكه امروز همه چيز امكان پذير است، اميد برخواستن روز بعد و روز هاى بعد را پس از هر شب تاريك و خسته ميدهد.  تا فردايى هست،  همه چيز ممكن هست.

Irony

They have two young kids.  They have been living in the U.S., Bahrain, and Dubai during the last six years due to the husband's job.  He likes seizing new opportunities and living in different countries.  She does not think this is a good way to raise kids.  She does not like her kids to be brought up in Dubai, a business oriented Arab county with little support for the family structure of immigrants, with cultural values that does not match hers.  She is tired of moving every 2-3 years. She wants to settle down, establish a home and grow her kids in one place, maybe close to friends and family or at least in a place she approves of better.  The husband has no intention of wanting to stay in one place.  So, this is it.  She asks for divorce and she gets it.  She moves to Maryland with her two kids and gets a good job.  The husband wanting to see his kids twice a week gets a faculty position in Delaware, only two hours away. He is not moving anymore. He is staying close to his kids with his new wife.
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He does not have a college degree.  He works hard and gets paid hourly.  She has a masters.  She thinks if they want to start a family and have kids, it would be better if he had a formal education and a secure job.  He is encouraged to go back to school.  He does. All of a sudden he sees so many doors opening to him.  Now he wants to go get a PhD wherever he gets admitted.  He does not care if she can come or not.  It is not us anymore, it is what I want to do.  Only if she knew what she was asking for.
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They have been together for three years in Tennessee.  They do not like it there.  They think people there are not receptive to immigrants.  They consider them close-minded.  She is Asian ad he is Persian. They get their PhDs and are very happy to have both found jobs in D.C., a very diverse city where they will be more accepted.  He is now exposed to so many Persian events and gatherings and realizes he wants to have a Persian partner.  I bet she wishes they were in Tennessee now.

صوفى

صوفى جان،

خوش آمدى به دنياى ما.  شنيدم كه خيلى هول بودى. خب آخه حق دارى، حتما بيشتر از اين نميتونستى صبر كنى كه مامان بابات رو ببينى.  يادت باشه بزرگ كه شدى من خيلى اطلاعات ارزشمند در باره مامانت ميتونم بهت بدم!  ;-)

خاله نرگس.